


Dear Dean

by anyrei, Drunk_Idjit



Series: Dear Dean [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Epistolary, Falling In Love, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Masturbation, Online Dating, Season/Series 10, Sexting, season 10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:37:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 44
Words: 24,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4557972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyrei/pseuds/anyrei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drunk_Idjit/pseuds/Drunk_Idjit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 10. Takes place right after Dean is cured and decides to take a break from the hunting life to get back on his feet. Cas is on his mission finding rogue angels with Hannah. Sam suggests a dating website for Dean so he can look for new friends, or something more. He wants Dean to feel like a normal human being again. Cas finds out and decides to start writing to Dean anonymously through the website.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by “Dear John” from wendymarlow, which is in my opinion one of the best johnlock fanfics out there.
> 
> Drunk_Idjit and I are working together on this story. She is writing the ‘Dean chapters’ and I’ll be writing the ones from Cas aka Steve.  
>  **IMPORTANT!!! A few chapters have a link to a timestamp. I highly recommend to read them, so the story makes more sense!**

** **

**Chapter 1 – Prologue**

 

Sam pulled out his phone as it started to ring, raising an eyebrow when he read Cas’s name on the display. He looked around to see if Dean was nearby (he wasn't) before answering the phone.

 

“Hey Cas. What's up?”

 

“Hello Sam. I'm still on my mission, finding the last rogue angels. I just wanted to call to ask how you're both doing.” It could be Sam's imagination but he thought Cas sounded tired.

 

“Thanks Cas. We're fine. How are you?”

 

Cas was quiet for a few seconds before answering in a low voice: “I'm okay... Is Dean really okay?”

 

Sam grinned: “He's on vacation and only doing non-hunting related things. I actually persuaded him to try online dating or looking for pen pals to get in contact with normal people. I think it will do him a little good to connect with the human world again.”

 

“That sounds like a really good idea. Is there a website for something like that?”

 

“Yes. The one Dean is on is called 'just-what-I-need.com'. Why?” Sam asked curiously.

 

Cas didn't answer Sam's question: “Well, I hope it will help.”

 

“Not that I'm not happy you called, Cas but why are you calling me instead of him?”

 

He heard the angel shuffle on the other side before answering in a low voice: “So much has happened between him and me and I... I don't know... Sometimes I don't feel like he wants to talk to me anymore... And I can understand that... I did a lot of bad things... and I let him down.”

 

Sam exhaled deeply and looked up at the ceiling: “Cas, maybe he doesn't say it but I know he misses you. And yeah maybe on some level he's still pissed at you but you're his best friend. You should spend more time together maybe. I don't know – rekindle your friendship.”

 

“I will try that. Thank you, Sam.”


	2. Wednesday, Aug. 12th

**Wednesday, Aug. 12th**

Hello Dean,

 

I saw your profile on this website and decided to write to you. Your profile indicated that you’re looking for friendship and/or to “hookup” and I thought maybe you would be interested in a friendship with me. Since you haven’t answered the sexual orientation question I didn’t want to assume anything. I can tell you that I’m open to anything, but first and foremost I’m just interested in finding someone I can talk to.

 

Let me tell you a few things about me. I'm a soldier and I'm currently working far away from home. My work tends to get very lonely, difficult and sometimes violent so I would like to have a connection to someone to remind myself of who I am and why I'm doing this work.

 

To say it in the words of Led Zeppelin “In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man. Now I've reached that age, I've tried to do all those things the best I can.”. Sometimes I make mistakes or bad decisions and in my line of work this always has grave consequences. I try my best to save lives but it doesn't always work. It would be nice to just talk to someone from time to time and feel normal again.

 

I hope that these last words don't deter you if you read them and that you maybe are willing to write me back...?  I know my life looks dark and frightening to other people and usually everyone looks for a nice, fun time and not for a serious conversation.

 

I would love to get to know you and I hope you write me back.

 

P.S.

I can't upload a picture but I can tell you that I'm 5'11, I have short dark brown hair and blue eyes.

 

\- Steve

 

 


	3. Wednesday, Aug. 12th

**Wednesday, Aug. 12th**

 

Hi Steve,

 

Okay first of all you quoted Zeppelin, and for that reason alone you earned a response. I gotta be honest here - my brother kinda forced me into this cause he thought writing to other people would help me get back on my feet after going through a bit of a rough time. You wrote that your life is pretty bleak and I’m afraid mine isn't much of a happy place either - so if you were hoping to escape some of that doom and gloom in your life - well, you definitely won't with me. Not trying to scare you off, just a fair warning.

 

I actually hear you, man. It sounds like we have a similar line of work, can't really tell you much more than that though. Still, I know the feeling. The responsibility of other people’s lives in your hands, that crushing weight on your shoulders, the guilt when you fail. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for us to write to each other. I don't know, I mean… not many people understand the stuff we’re going through. Just a warning, I’m not the best when it comes to… you know, talking about feelings and shit. So maybe we can keep it a bit light for now, okay?

 

I think you already guessed that I'm into classic rock. My hobby is working on my car (she’s a '67 Chevy Impala!) and my favorite food is pie. I'm from Lawrence, Kansas but I live a bit up north west from there now.

 

You asked about my sexual orientation, well… it’s kinda hard to answer. I’ve never really told anyone - not even my brother - that I sometimes… and only sometimes, might find a man… I dunno, interesting, I guess. I can’t believe I just wrote that down. It feels kinda good to get that out. I mean, I don’t really know you and you already said that you don't really care, right? But yeah, that doesn't mean I’m looking for a man cause I’m curious or anything like that. Cause I’m not.

 

So tell me something about yourself? I don't know, do you have hobbies? Where are you from? Stuff like that. Sorry, I'm not really great with this kinda stuff….

 

\- Dean

 

 


	4. Wednesday, Aug. 12th

**Wednesday, Aug. 12th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

Thank you for your reply. I’m happy you decided to write back.

 

I’m sad to hear you had a hard time recently and I hope everything in your life will be better soon. I know sometimes it’s hard to talk about these things (I’m also very bad at this...) but maybe it’s easier if you talk to someone from outside of your life –  like me. It’s just an offer. I’m a good and patient listener but I can also offer our correspondence as a distraction if you need it to be.

 

I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

 

I actually don’t have much experience with relationships and I never had one with another man. But I know I like all genders equally from personal experience. It was always about the soul of someone for me and not so much about what is on the outside.

 

As for my hobbies. I don't have much time for hobbies in my line of work, but in the past I have like doing charitable work ( I don’t know if that count as a hobby). I liked to help people. Visiting hospitals or homeless shelters and talking to those who were down on their luck or going through a rough time, that was very rewarding. It made me feel better, that I had a purpose in life, when I was able to help someone.

 

Maybe as a redemption for all the death I caused as a soldier…

 

So much for keeping it light. I apologize.

 

I also like just sitting in a park or garden and enjoying the peace and quietness of my surroundings. I hope that isn’t too boring. I was told very often that I lack certain “people skills” so I hope I can keep these letters interesting for you. As for classic rock music… to be honest a very good friend of mine is a huge fan of this genre of music. He taught me much about it and I learned to appreciate it that way.

 

I left my home a long time ago and have been travelling around ever since. I don’t know if I ever want to go back – it changed so much over time and it’s certainly not the heavenly place that it is in my memory. I try not to think about it.

 

Isn’t there a saying “Home is where your heart is”? I guess my home is where my friends are, which are my family nowadays. But like I said. I’m far away from them now and I miss them very much.

 

Family is the most important thing in my life. You mentioned you have a brother. Is he younger or older than you?

 

I hope you’re still interested in writing me back.

 

P.S. Your car sounds like she’s a real beauty.

 

\- Steve

 

 


	5. Wednesday, Aug. 12th

**Wednesday, Aug. 12th**

 

Hey Steve,

 

Yeah, I’m still interested in writing you back. I think we can relate to each other a lot. I know what you mean about redemption. Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life is to help people, to save people. But it doesn't always work out that way, and I have to live with that guilt.

 

Sorry, I guess that’s a bit too serious when we should just be getting to know each other, right?

 

You know, peace and quiet is just what you need sometimes, nothing boring about that. And even if it is, nothing wrong with a little boring sometimes. I think it’s easy to just let life pass right by you and you realize you never even took the time to slow down and appreciate the little things. Corny, huh? But you know like Zep’ says, just gotta ramble on.

 

Good to hear you’ve got such a good friend to get you into awesome music. My brother (he’s 4 years younger than me) still doesn't appreciate the classics, but I force him to listen to them cause there’s one rule in my car “driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.” Well, that and no dogs. Not that I don't like em, just not in my baby.

 

And yes, she is an absolute beauty. I don’t know how many times I’ve rebuilt her from the ground up. She is my pride and joy. If “home is where your heart is” then I guess she would be my home. Sounds weird, doesn’t it? I didn't have what you would call a “normal childhood,” spent a lot of times in that car and in motel rooms. Just me, my brother and our dad.

 

So yeah, family is very important to me. And family means my brother and my close group of friends. Like my uncle Bobby always said “Family don't end in blood” and I think that’s very true.

 

Man, I’m sorry. This ended up being a lot cornier than I expected. I sound like a damn after school special haha. Anyway, I’m sorry you're so far away from home, that must be tough. Can you tell me more about your family? Or is that too hard to talk about?

 

You know, I haven't really had much experience with relationships either. I’ve really only had two and they uh… they didn't turn out too well. I guess I always kinda saw myself as someone that couldn't be tied down, you know? And uh, sorry if this is too personal but, how do you know if you’re… you know, into guys? I know you said you’ve never been in a relationship with a guy but I guess I’m just wondering… how you knew? Sorry, you really don’t have to answer that.

 

Hope to hear back from you

 

\- Dean

 

 


	6. Thursday, Aug. 13th

**Thursday, Aug. 13th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I'm glad you're still interested in exchanging letters with me. I think you're right that we can relate to each other and I'm glad that I found someone who understands me.

 

I should probably ask why you feel responsible for other people's lives when you, yourself, are just a man who cannot be responsible for other's fates. But I don't ask. Because I know why you feel that way.

 

I am guessing that you are in one of those rare situations where you're one of the only people who can do what you do. You sound like a person who has seen too much - more than a normal person should see in their life, and that gives you a unique perspective on how things should be, which makes you feel like you're responsible for ensuring they go that way.

 

I can relate... and I dearly wished no one else would have to share this experience. But obviously you and I have this in common. Still, I'm glad we seem to connect – even if it's on the hardships of our lives.

 

I apologize for being so serious again. You were right that we probably should get to know each other a little bit better.

 

I like what you said about appreciating the little things in life. I feel like it was a lifetime ago that I did just that... you know, things like the right water pressure when you're taking a shower, a cool bottle of water when you're really thirsty or just sitting at a bar with your friends, sharing a drink and some light conversation.

 

It doesn't sound weird that you think of your car as your home. Maybe a car isn't the usual home but it's obviously a place where you've felt safe and that you cherish. Shouldn't that be the definition of a home - a place where you feel safe and welcome at all times?

 

I think your uncle is a wise man. Like I told you in my last letter – I consider my friends as my family and they aren't blood related. They did more for me than my “real” family ever did. I don't like to be separated from them but I don't have a choice in this. I have to fulfill my duties before I can go back, but it pains me – above all because I want to be there for them – especially now because I know they are going through a difficult time.

 

My “real” family wasn't very happy with some of my life choices so I had to leave and I'm not welcome among them anymore. I tried to fix this but I only made it worse over time. More than once they forced me to make a decision between them and my friends. I always chose my friends. I never regretted that decision.

 

Please don't feel uncomfortable asking me things. I'm happy to answer anything you want to know.

 

There was someone in my life that I had always felt close to. We were best friends and I know that he thought of me that way, or maybe even as a brother. But for me it was more. I never told him because I didn’t want to lose his friendship, and I just knew that he wasn't open to having a relationship with me. Especially once we started to drift apart.

 

He could make me feel completely elated with just a few words but then reduce me to nothing with a few others. He had this power over me, he made me want to be a better person for his sake. I would have done anything for him. Most of the time I was happy just being close to him. Pretending that my heart wasn't racing anytime he touched me.

 

I don't think I’ve ever felt something like that for another person before. Like I said, I'm not very experienced with relationships and love, but I think that's what this was. Have you ever felt something like that for another person?

 

I apologize if this question isn't appropriate. Please excuse my non-existent “people-skills.”  ;)

  
\- Steve


	7. Thursday, Aug. 13th

**Thursday, Aug. 13th**

 

Steve,

 

Your guess is actually pretty spot on. I can't really say much about what I do, like I know you probably can't say much more about what you do. But I think you can understand that being in this kind of position means you can't second guess yourself, you can’t show fear or doubt. I have to stand by the decisions I make, even when I worry that they’re not the right ones. It’s just… do you ever feel just weighed down by all the bad calls you’ve made in your life? I dunno, I guess as I’ve gotten older it’s just starting to feel like maybe I’m doing more harm than good at this point, you know?

 

My uncle Bobby, I know what he’d say. He’d tell me “pull your head out your ass, ya idjit,” haha. Wise man indeed. I’m sorry to hear about your family, sounds like a shit situation to be in, having to decide between them and your friends. They must be pretty amazing people for you to stand by them like that. Sometimes I wish I could be around the people that I care about more often but I dunno, I think maybe being around me can be kind of toxic because of my line of work. And I don’t feel right putting them in that kind of danger all the time, it’s not fair to them. Just wish they understood that.

 

Might be none of my business, but how did you know he didn’t want a relationship with you? I mean, he was interested in guys right? I get what you mean about not wanting to mess up what you guys had, but it sounds like you fell for him pretty hard.

 

Yeah I’ve felt that way about a person before. Her name was Lisa. Man, she was amazing.  Smoking hot, funny, smart, strong, flexible as hell. I mean, damn. She had a great kid and this apple pie life that I thought I always wanted. But, the past always catches up to you. I realized that our lives were too different and it wasn't fair for her to have to risk everything just because I wanted something normal.

 

As for guys well, I can't believe I’m actually saying this but, there have been a few times where I’ve hung out with a guy, you know we’re drinking having a good time and I’ve thought, I dunno, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. It’s just, women are easier, you know? I never have a problem with the ladies, it’s just wham bam thank you ma'am and I’m on my way. I don't know if I could do that with a guy. Honestly, there was someone a while ago that I thought maybe, I’m actually not sure how to say it... He made me feel kinda like you said, made me want to be a better person. But so much has happened over the years. A lot of trust has been lost, both ways. I’m not even really sure how we feel about each other at this point. Maybe we’ve both changed too much.

  
Sorry, I don't mean to bore you with all my crap. And your “people skills” are fine, way better than some of the people I know haha!


	8. Thursday, Aug. 13th

**Thursday, Aug. 13th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

It wasn’t hard to guess – I have a feeling we’re very much alike. The good thing about being a soldier is that someone else makes the decisions for you and you don’t have to think about the consequences – you just follow orders. But I’m not in that position anymore. Now I have to make decisions on my own and I’m still not used to it. I’ll always stick to my choices and I can be very stubborn about them. I still haven’t figured out how to deal with the guilt when something goes wrong. What do you do when you let down the people who trusted you? How do you ever make amends for that?

 

So yes – I feel weighed down pretty much all of the time and I know the feeling of doing more harm than good. Lately, every time I tried to fix something I only ended up making it worse. Maybe I shouldn’t try anymore but I can’t just let it go. It’s my responsibility, right? If you break something, you have to fix it.

 

My friends – yes, they are pretty amazing human beings. I learned so much from them, especially that family always comes first. I would do anything for them.

 

I understand why you worry that your life might endanger the people you care about, but that doesn’t mean that you should spend it alone. You deserve to be happy like everyone else.

 

Life is fragile and short. There are many dangers in this world that can destroy it – I think we both know that, but doesn’t that mean that we should live our life to the fullest and with the people we love? Look at me talking about living life to the fullest. I should listen to my own advice – it’s easier said than done.

 

About my friend - he never told me that he was interested in men, he’s actually a real “ladies-man” (I think it’s called…), so I don’t think he ever thought of me in that way. There have been times when I’ve caught him staring at me and licking his lips - I once read in a magazine for women that this was a sign of sexual attraction, but I’m not sure. I try to be careful when it comes to analyzing things like that. I'm afraid I’m not very good at it. Social behavior is, at best, a mystery to me. I think you're right when you say I fell pretty hard for him – he’s the most important person in my life. But I don't believe we will ever be together because there is no way that he feels the same for me.

 

I’m sorry that your life with Lisa didn’t work out for you. Do you still want to have this “apple pie life”?

 

I just read a quote from a Dr. Seuss book that said “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened”. I try to be grateful for the good things that happened in my life  – especially for my friends. But is it selfish to wish for more? Maybe I’m just lonely and miss someone special in my life. But I fear there is no one that would fit into my life of constant danger.

 

I must confess that I’m curious about the man you talked about. It sounded like he was a friend of yours. Did you ever show him you were interested in him? I apologize if that might be a stupid question but I wouldn’t even know how to show someone that I’m interested. I fear I would only scare them off. I was told that I’m not the most subtle tool in the shed and I guess that can be intimidating.

 

By the way, I met a little girl today and she asked me if I had a favorite pony. Is that something you must have? I don’t think I have a favorite pony… do you? I never know how to answer those questions. I think she was very disappointed.

 

I hope at least this letter won’t be too disappointing. I still marvel over the fact that you still write back to me. I’m very happy about that.

  
\- Steve


	9. Friday, Aug. 14th

**Friday, Aug. 14th**

 

Steve,

 

I can agree, everything was so much simpler when things were black and white. I knew who the bad guys were and, as one of the good guys, my job was to take them down. I followed orders, did what I was told, and that’s the way it was. My brother was never like that. Hated taking orders and, for him, things were never as clear cut as they were for me. He’s a really smart guy, like crazy smart, but even he’s made some really dumb choices in the past. It comes with having a tough job. See, I've realized that things aren't black and white. They’re just gray area. I don't even know who the good guys and the bad guys are anymore. Hell, I don't even know if I’m one of the good guys anymore.

 

I’ve had people try to tell me I deserve better, I don’t buy it. When it comes down to me being happy or people I care about being safe I’m gonna choose them over me every time. Yeah, I know it sounds self destructive but that’s just how I am. You know, it’s like... why am I so special? Who am I to put my own happiness in front of others?

 

I’m sorry, I’m not looking for validation here. And this might sound hypocritical (yeah I can’t follow my own advice either), but I think that if you tried your best then you can't blame yourself for things going wrong. I mean, yeah you may have let people down, but you at least did something. Making amends may not be easy but just give it time.

 

I know how you feel about making things worse sometimes. There have been times where I thought I was doing the right thing and all I did was make the situation much worse. Every time I tried to fix it I just caused even bigger problems. I honestly don’t know if it’s even worth it to try to fix it anymore. You know, I always thought, like you said, … if you mess something up you gotta fix it. You make a mess you gotta clean it, right? I just don't know anymore. It’s so much easier to just stop caring.

 

On a lighter note, your message seriously made me laugh. You actually remind me of one of my friends. He’s kind of a dorky dude, not making fun of you or anything, just.. he isn't good with people either haha. Quoting Dr. Seuss is probably something he would do too. And yeah, I guess I can apply that quote to my life sometimes. Like with Lisa, I’m really happy I had her in my life and that I got to spend that time with her and Ben. Sure I get lonely and I miss the times when life was easier. But I know that she’s safe and she’s going to live a long life without me, and it’s worth it. That apple life, alright it was nice, but it’s not for me.

 

You know, people are much simpler than you think. Maybe it’s time to stop overanalyzing? I dunno, I’ve always been pretty good with people, I’ve always gotten on a lot of people’s nerves too but hey that’s part of my charm. I don't mean to toot my own horn but I could probably refer to myself as a “ladies man” too and if I can be kinda, sorta, maybe interested in guys from time to time, then maybe he can too. You don’t know until you ask. Maybe he’s interested in you and you don't even know it. I mean, if he’s staring at you and licking his lips I think that’s pretty straightforward, right? I don’t know how much different it is for guys but I do have plenty of experience with the ladies and let me tell you, the upfront approach works. Well it works sometimes. Alright maybe I just hit on everybody and sometimes it ends with me getting laid, but there’s the proof that it’s worth it to put yourself out there! Just uh, maybe work on that subtlety though.

 

As for the guy I was talking about. Well yeah he was a friend. Is a friend. Things have been kind of weird between us. It’s funny, I really didn't like him when I first met him. I thought he was a total dick. But he grew on me (sorry that was a terrible dick joke). Anyway, I don’t know when I started thinking of him differently but looking back on it now, yeah I probably dropped a lot of hints about how I felt, I just didn't realize it. Even more likely, he didn't realize it either.

 

Your messages aren't disappointing at all. It’s nice being able to talk to someone who knows what it’s like to go through some of the same things I’m going through without it being someone I know. Not that I don’t love my family but I can't talk about stuff as freely with them as I have been with you. It would just be weird, I think. And uh… no I don't have a favorite pony… so, I guess we’re in the same boat? … kids are weird haha. Speaking of favorites though. Do you have favorite movies? Favorite food? Books? I know it’s kind of trivial stuff, but I’m interested in stupid little things like that…..

 

-Dean

 

 


	10. Friday, Aug. 14th

**Friday, Aug. 14th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I'm very certain you're one of the good guys. In my experience the bad ones never question themselves nor do they feel guilty about the things they’ve done. I understand how easy it is to lose sight of your accomplishments when so many other things have gone wrong - especially when you feel responsible for them.

 

I’m in such a situation right now. I’m doing something to help a friend but I have to lie about it. I know it’s wrong and I hate to do it but I don’t see another way. I know this will result in consequences for me at some point but as long as I can help my friend I don’t care what might happen to me. Another thing we have in common it seems. I don’t know – I think I have to believe that the end sometimes justifies the means. Your words actually are very comforting right now for me. I’m trying my best and I hope… well, I just hope I don’t make everything worse… Maybe it would be easier to stop caring, but I think you and I know better. I think we never could stop caring because that’s just not who we are, right?

 

I hope I don't make you uncomfortable when I tell you, that you sound like someone special to me. I think you are the most selfless person I’ve ever met… I mean, I haven’t met you… but you know. You sound like someone I would gladly call a friend and I think everyone who has you in your life should count themselves lucky – even if you don’t see it that way.

 

I once was in a situation where I couldn’t do my usual work anymore due to an injury. I tried to have a normal job, go on dates – doing things normal people would do. It didn’t work out for me. It’s just not who I am. I’m a soldier and will always be one.

 

The strange thing is that in my line of work you have to face a lot of dangerous situations. I’ve never been afraid of anything but just the thought of telling my friend how I feel about him… I don’t know. I’m too afraid to lose him because of that. And I’m afraid I really don’t know how to be subtle. I guess I’m a lost case. I once thought a woman I worked with was flirting with me but it ended up being that she just wanted a favor from me. I’m very bad at picking up these signals. Even when women obviously (obvious for other people around me and they would later tell me…) flirt with me I just don’t see it. For example I once was in café and the waitress told me that my coat was cool and I replied with ‘Actually it’s pretty warm’... Just to show you where my people skills are at…

 

The friend you told me about… I’m sorry to hear that things are weird between you and him. If you see him again... do you plan to tell him how you feel? I apologize, I guess that’s none of my business and I shouldn’t ask these things. I guess I’m just looking for pointers on how to deal with my own situation, but that shouldn’t be your concern.

 

On another note, receiving a letter from you is the highlight of my day at the moment. My work mostly consists of waiting and sitting around doing research – it’s strange that in the past I could wait for ages and never get bored but lately I don’t have that ease any more. On the other hand I use my unexpected waiting time to educate myself with television. I enjoy watching cooking shows lately and my goal is to learn how to make pie.

 

I'm very happy I made you laugh even though it wasn't my intention. I also hope I’m able to repeat that. I feel the same about how nice it is to have found someone I can talk to and who understands me and it gives me great delight that you think you can talk freely to me.

 

To answer your question about my favorite things; my favorite food is burgers and … this may sound strange, but popcorn. I once really loved PB&Js but I don’t know… I guess taste changes over time. I never watched much television or had the chance to see a movie. On rare occasions I have watched one with my friends but that’s a long time ago. Maybe you can recommend one to me?

 

I recently read “Le Petit Prince” by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. I brought a kid into a hospital and while I waited I read it because it was there. It caught my eye because it was in French and I think someone had lost the book there, for it seems uncommon to find a non-English book in a pile of children’s books that are solely in English. I really like it. I was surprised that I could really empathize with the main character, who was doing everything he could to protect his one love. Even if it meant he had to stay away from her.

 

What are your favorite books and movies? Do you have a favorite color? The same kid that asked the pony question, asked me this yesterday. Mine is green. I think she was glad I finally could answer one of her questions. It makes me feel strangely better.

 

\- Steve

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474>


	11. Friday, Aug. 14th

**Friday, Aug. 14th**

 

Steve,

 

Look, I’m glad you can find some comfort in my words but I gotta tell you, something doesn't sound right about what you're doing. Going behind your friends back isn't the right way to do things and just because you think you know what’s best doesn't mean you actually do. I’m as guilty as the next guy about going too far to save someone I care about, let me tell you, when you start keeping secrets from each other... well that’s how you end up with shit going wrong. At least in my experience.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to go off on you like that. Call me an asshole but I just… I’ve been through stuff like this before. It doesn't always work out the way you think it will and you know what? Sometimes that distance you put between the two of you, well it stays that way and you can't go back to the way things were before. It just sucks is all.

 

So maybe you won’t think so highly of me after this message. If you knew me… I dunno, I just don't see myself as the good guy anymore. Not after the things I’ve done.You may think I’m not the kind of person who could just stop caring. But I am, and I have. And I liked it.

 

But I do know what you mean, about being a soldier. although I’m not sure that’s what’s driving me at this point. But recently I tried to do just whatever I wanted. Hanging out at bars, getting wasted, sleeping around, going to strip clubs - You know, “normal stuff,” at least for me. Trouble still kept finding me, and when it didn't… I looked for it.

 

You know, it sounds like you need a wingman. That’s something I could help you with, if you’re interested. That situation with your co-worker and the waitress, yikes. That’s just, man if I was around I could get you laid, no problem. With women, I mean. Uh, as far as your friend goes, I got nothing. That sounds like some pretty serious shit and I’m not the best when it comes to, you know, actual emotions and relationship crap. Which is probably why I’ll never say anything to my friend either. I don't even really know how I feel about the whole thing, I’d never be able to actually explain it. I’d rather just not thinking about it, honestly.

 

Talking to you has actually been a really nice distraction. Sitting around is not my thing and I’ve been getting pretty restless lately. Waiting around and doing research, oh man… I know how that is. Fuck it’s boring. My brother can do that shit for hours. Told you, total brainiac. Not me, I mean… put me in coach, I gotta be _doing_ something. Or else I go crazy.

 

Cooking shows are cool, I enjoy them from time to time, but then I get hungry haha. Burgers are awesome and hell yeah, homemade pie is the best. If you learn how to make it I want some!

 

How do you not watch movies?! Ok if I’m making some recommendations then you gotta start with the classics, my favorites. Star Wars, definitely Star Wars. But the old ones, 4, 5 and 6 not 1, 2, and 3. Yeah that doesn't make sense but trust me on this. Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Terminator, Die Hard, All of Clint Eastwood’s movies. All of them. Man, I could go on and on.

 

Books, though? Yeah I’m not a big fan. Vonnegut is cool, but books aren't really that much fun for me. You read in French? How many languages do you know? I’m really curious about where you're from and what you do but I know there’s probably a lot you can’t tell me, I get that.It’s just interesting to hear about you interacting with kids That’s cool. My favorite color, I don't know if I have one. Green is cool, I like red, blue’s good too. Guess I never really thought about a favorite color, weird. I’m definitely in the mood to re-watch Star Wars now. You should watch it when you get the chance!

 

-Dean

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10415289>


	12. Monday, Aug. 17th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp available for this chapter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10469274>

**Monday, Aug. 17th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I apologize for the late reply.

 

You're right. With everything you said. It isn't even the first time I'm lying to my friend and if he finds out, he will hate me and probably won't want to see me ever again, which would probably be the best for him. I'm not a good person and people near me tend to get hurt. I'm not even sorry that I did it, because I already see the progress he's making and I know that part of it was because of my actions. I'm selfish in that I want to help him for as long as he needs me, because that is the only way for me to be close to him. If there had been another option I would have taken it gladly. But there wasn't and it's too late to fix it now. I can only live with the consequences.

 

I know it will destroy me to lose him, but I'm already slowly losing him anyway due to the other mistakes we both have made and the distance that has grown between us. The same distance you talked about in your letter, that grew because we both kept secrets and ended up hurting each other.

 

You probably already guessed it but the friend I'm talking about is the same one… I have feelings for... At least I can do this one last thing for him before I have to leave him.

 

I'm not in a position to judge you, Dean. I did horrible things in my life and at times I was just a tool for others to use – to get their dirty work done and I didn't care. I couldn't care. It felt like I had lost the connection to my feelings, to my conscience. My friend actually rescued me from that. I still don't know how he did it but somehow he brought me back. He made me feel “me” again.

 

He also tried to be my wingman once but he learned from his mistake... And to be honest I'm not really interested in “getting laid” anymore. It's a strange contradiction; on one hand I'd loved to have an emotional bond with someone, a real relationship – on the other hand I don't want anyone near me because I only hurt the people I care about. Like my friend.

 

You were right to go off at me like that. I don't really deserve better. So if you don't want to write to me again I'll understand.

 

\- Steve

 

P.S. I know you had more questions in your last letter. If you still want to write to me I'm happy to answer them for you.

 

 


	13. Monday, Aug. 17th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter (it can be read between chapters 12 and 13): <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10469424>

**Monday, Aug. 17th**

Steve,

Hey man, I'm really sorry about that. Seriously, I shouldn't have been so harsh on you, especially when I've been guilty of exactly the same thing you're doing. Like I said, I've had experience with this before and I wish I could change some of the choices I've made but it's too late now.

Funny thing is, my brother and I have been telling each other that being upfront with each other is the only way to get through this, but somehow all we've been able to do is continue to keep secrets. We always seem to think we know what's best for each other, and sometimes we're wrong. Sometimes, people end up getting hurt because of it.

Steve, I don't believe you're a bad person. I mean, I don't know you but just from these few messages we've exchanged I can tell you care a lot, too much maybe. Not that it's a bad thing but, man, I know how that can end up burning you in the end.

This guy you're trying to help, yeah I made the connection that it's the guy you have feelings for, why are you just going to let it end like that? Can't you be honest with him about what you're doing? Maybe there's a good reason why you shouldn't be doing it and your friend just doesn't want you to get hurt or make things worse?

There was a time when a friend of mine went behind my back because he thought he was doing the right thing. We... we were really close and I trusted him. He broke that trust. I just wish... I really wish he would have come to me and been honest with me. We could have figured things out together. He trusted the wrong person instead, and it wouldn't be the last time he's done that. Man, things used to be so much simpler. I mean, they were never easy... I don't think anything in my life has been. But they made more sense before.

I get it, I really do. When I told you I think we have a lot of similarities, I wasn't kidding. See, I've been the bad guy. I've lost myself, lost connection to my own conscience... I've done things I could never be forgiven for. If you have someone that could bring you back from that, it's worth it to save what you have. I'm not trying to play Dr. Phil here but I don't think you should write him off. Give yourself a chance.

Getting laid hasn't really been a top priority these days for me either. Yeah it's fun, but it all ends up blurring into one long one night stand after a while. Being with someone who knows you, really gets who you are, that's the holy grail right there. But, like you, I worry about bringing people into my life and putting them in unnecessary danger. It's best to stay away from me, really. It's weird how we can bond over something so fucked up, but people near me have tendency to get hurt also. Makes it hard to get attached to people when you know that something terrible could happen to them and it would be your fault.

Anyway, I'm really sorry I came off that way. You're here to forget about your problems, not get scolded for your decisions. And I'm here for the same reason. So... friends, right? And yeah, I'd like to hear more about you. There's gotta be more we have in common than sob stories, am I right?

-Dean

 


	14. Tuesday, Aug. 18th

**Tuesday, Aug. 18th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I’m glad you’re still willing to write back to me and I apologize for my behaviour as it clearly reminded you of that (former?) friend of yours who broke your trust. Sadly I'm now more sure than ever that I won't be able to fix the mistake I've made so I'm just enjoying the time I still have left with my friend. One of my brothers used to tell me I had too much heart, that I cared too much about people – I guess I did but never to the extent that I care about my friend. I think I’ve reached a point where I also want to try to protect my own heart. Too much has happened and we can't go back to where we were. And it hurts too much to try and fail again and again, and I just don't have the energy left to suffer through this anymore. But enough of that. I realize I may be sounding quite pathetic.

 

You had a lot of questions and I will try to answer them all and hopefully I won't forget anything. If I do I apologize and hope you'll remind me again.

 

I came to an involuntary stop in my excursion into the world of cooking because I can't move from theory to practice without a kitchen at my disposal. So if I ever get the chance to bake or cook, I don't believe it would be wise of anyone to try anything I make before it has been tested – preferably by me, if only to save someone else from possible food poisoning.

 

I’m from a little town in Illinois, but I didn't live there for long. I have always travelled, as far back as I remember, because my family is made up of soldiers  – So I also don't really have a place that I would call home (except with my friends but even there…) I think I’ve already told you that. I apologize if I happen to repeat myself at some point.

 

I'm not allowed to talk about where I am or what my mission is at the moment but I can tell you that I'm far away and the mission is dangerous.

 

I usually don't interact with kids but this one got caught in the middle of a fight and was hurt. I couldn't prevent it but I got the bastard that did it. I brought her to the hospital after that and she's fine now.

 

It may sound disturbing but I like fighting, especially when it's hand to hand, close combat. It's hard to describe. I feel like me again. Free somehow. Maybe because it reminds of a time when everything was easier.

 

I was just thinking that maybe we both need someone in our lives that can handle themselves in dangerous situations. There would be less to worry about when things get rough. Maybe someone who also likes danger or already leads a dangerous life...

 

I will try to look for the movies and the Vonnegut books as soon as I finish the current mission (which is hopefully in a few days before I have to go to a new base of operation). I already saw Star Wars though and I love it. Princess Leia is hot.

 

You asked about my language skills. I speak a few. There is a saying that knowing the language is the key to every culture. I don't know how true that is for I always struggled to understand social behaviour or rules regardless of the culture. I guess it comes from my upbringing. I only know how to be a soldier.

 

In a few days I will probably be back to research, which I find as annoying as you do. Not that I don't enjoy some quiet time here and then. Just not in my current surroundings and with the people around me.

 

You told me that you had the same experience as I did, about losing the connection to your own conscience. Did you have anyone who helped you out of it? I mean, it’s just that I know how that feels and in those times it’s good to have people on your side that you care about and that you can trust, that can bring you back from it and keep you sane.

 

It's so much easier fighting for others than fighting for yourself. Especially when you think you don't deserve to be saved – like I do most of the times.

 

I apologize for being “gloomy” again. I promised myself I would keep it lighter but I seem to always get back to these topics. It's tempting because we're so much alike. I'm glad I found you out of so many souls.

 

Anyway, what are you doing to keep you busy at the moment? I'm looking forward to hearing from you again. Hopefully to share a few fun stories for a change? Maybe I'll tell you about one of my brothers who used to play tricks on me when I was younger. If you're interested.

 

And yes, friends :D

 

\- Steve

 

 


	15. Tuesday, Aug. 18th

** Tuesday, Aug. 18th **

Steve,

You know what? I feel like a total dick about what I said. You’re a good guy, you gotta stop doubting yourself like that. The friend of mine that I was talking about (yes current friend, just because we’re having trust issues doesn't mean we’re not still family), the first time he ever met me he said something similar to what you said. He realized immediately that I didn't think I deserved to be saved. But he reminded me that good things can happen. I’ve been through a lot of shitty things in my life. But I’m not gonna pretend that there wasn't some good in all of that. Might not seem like a lot, compared to all the darkness in our lives, but sometimes you gotta look for that silver lining.

It’s, uh… sorry, it’s hard to cheer someone up when you can't follow your own advice, you know? I really do think it’s not too late, though. Don’t shut this guy out of your life. It’s not worth it. Like I said, trust issues are something you have to deal with sometimes. My brother, I would give my life for him, literally. He’s gone behind my back so many times, and I’ve done the same. I would still do anything for him. That won’t change. And the same goes for my friends, the people I consider family. With them it’s just, you know...say the word and I’m there.

I think you’re being too rash. It’s hard to make good decisions when you’re in bad situations, like the one you sound like you're in now. And you’re alone with your own thoughts. That’s enough to drive any man crazy. Just… you don't have to listen to me, I know… but give yourself a chance. You asked how I came back after losing myself, that was with the help of my family. People that won't give up on you even when you've give up on yourself. But you gotta work on it too. Just, don’t give up yet, okay?

So… Illinois, huh. You know, I’ve travelled quite a lot in my life. Gotta say, me and Illinois got a lot of history, man. I won’t get into it, frankly I’d rather forget. But yeah, Illinois. Small world. Ever been to Kansas? If you’re ever in the area I could show you around, you know if that’s something you’d want to do. I could even teach you how to cook. I mean, I’m no Emeril… but I can cook a badass burger.

Hand to hand combat, not gonna lie… you got me really curious about your skills. At the risk of sounding cocky, I just gotta say… I got some moves. Hand to hand and weapons, I got it down. How are you with a gun? Look at me getting all excited...fighting, yeah there’s something primal about it, something freeing.

So what you're telling me is, you think we need to be with someone who can kick ass as much as we can instead of being the damsel in distress? I mean, yeah I like a badass, but I don’t know if I could handle knowing the constant danger, no matter how much of a badass they are. This wasn’t, by any chance, a hint was it? You flirting with me, Steve? (haha, I’m just messing with you don’t worry) . How about your...uh, friend. Is he like that?

I’m glad you liked Star Wars. Not gonna lie, I think people that don’t like Star Wars suck. How can you not like what is basically a Western movie in space?! And hell yeah, Leia is hot. Is there anybody that doesn't think she’s hot? I mean, come on. Woulda totally pegged you as a Han Solo guy though. Even I can admit to having a crush on the guy, I mean… it’s Harrison Fucking Ford, am I right?!

Well, I don't know what I expected when I came on this website… but I definitely didn’t expect to be sitting here writing a damn book to someone I just met (Really sorry about how long these messages have been getting). I can't even remember the last time I actually talked to somebody this much!

At least it’s been keeping me busy. I’m actually on somewhat of a “vacation.” Forced vacation, if you know what I mean. Shit got really intense for a while and my brother thinks it’s best if I just relax and lay low so he’s forcing me to just stay home and “relax.” It was kind of nice for a day or two but now I’m just bored as hell. Like I said before, it was my brother who suggested this site. I thought he was just trying to distract me by getting me to find girls to hook up with (Yeah that’s kind of what I first came on here for - I know, I know) but I think this is what he really wanted me to do. Find someone I connect with and can just be a normal person with for at least a little while. I kind of forgot what that felt like.

So, in the spirit of feeling like a normal person, yes I would love to hear your stories. Your brother’s a bit of a trickster, huh. My brother and I used to really be into pranking too. Man, the shit we used to do to each other - we were terrible. I can’t even remember the last time we had a prank war. Actually, I'm starting to think it’s about time for another one...

 

-Dean

 


	16. Wednesday, Aug. 19th

**Wednesday, Aug. 19th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

Please don’t feel bad about this anymore. It’s ok, really – and thank you for your kind words. I’m glad to hear you’re still friends with the man you told me about. I didn't realize he was so close to you that you even consider him family. This actually gives me hope for my situation.

 

I’ve been to Kansas a few times, sometimes just to drive through. If I ever go back I would be happy to visit you and let you show me around. I wonder what you would show me. Do you have any favorite places? Anywhere that’s special, just to you? I had a place like that back home. It was a little garden surrounded by colorful wild flowers. An autistic man lived there and he loved to fly his kite every Tuesday afternoon when the sun was out. It was very peaceful.

 

I don't know who this Emeril person is, but I would love to learn cooking from you, especially burgers!!! (That’s three exclamation marks to show you how much I like burgers).

 

Maybe we could even practice our hand to hand combat skills together? I’d love to see how you would handle yourself against me. I’m good with all kinds of weapons but I prefer my knife. If you try to shoot someone from a distance there is always the chance that innocent bystanders can get injured. I guess that’s one of the main reasons I prefer close combat.

 

I have to be honest… I think I was flirting and I apologize for that. I don’t want to make things awkward between us by making you uncomfortable. I think my musings about the perfect partner reminded me of how similar we both seem to be. I think my loneliness is to be blamed for these words. I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have...

 

My friend is a soldier like me. We once fought in the same war together and I met him when I saved his life from captivity. He can look after himself but I still worry about him... so, I guess you're right that having a "kick ass" partner wouldn't be a perfect solution.

 

Your instinct about me liking Han Solo was also correct. I can’t decide if I like Harrison Ford more in Indiana Jones (yes, I finally watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and I’m about to watch Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) or in Star Wars though. He actually reminds me a lot of my friend, who is very attractive and like you said: "badass". I guess I have a type.

 

I'm very happy that you feel you can talk to me so much and I'm glad your brother forced you on this website – is it okay to say something like that?

 

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about my older brother (he is a trickster!) because I think you'd enjoy some funny stories. Maybe I can get you to laugh again – even if it's at my expense. My brother is very creative in his pranks and into getting himself and others in trouble.

 

I remember one day we had a very important mission, everyone was tense and afraid of what could happen. We went to our base to collect our special uniforms, it was important to look presentable because we had to leave the local people with a certain impression that we were very powerful. I don't know how, but my brother managed to turn all of the clothing pink with glitter all over them. To say my squad leader wasn’t amused by this would be an understatement, but I think my brother helped the soldiers get rid of some of their tension and fear. Maybe that had been his plan all along, but somehow I doubt it since he continued to laugh at me for being unable to get rid of the glitter for over three months.

 

He also once locked me into a public bathhouse for women in Egypt. It was the first time I actually feared for my life.

 

I would love to hear about your pranks! I think it would be amusing if you pranked your brother – maybe it would help with the boredom you have been feeling on your forced “vacation.” I don't mind that your letters have been getting longer – I’m enjoying every word of them. It’s the best part of my day when I get to read something from you, if you don't mind me saying.

 

Can't wait to hear back from you.

 

\- Steve

 

 


	17. Wednesday, Aug. 19th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter (can be read between chapters 16 and 17):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10507992>

**Wednesday, Aug. 19th**

 

Steve,

 

I actually look forward to your messages too, I kinda like talking to you. And hey, you don't have to apologize for flirting, I don’t really have a problem with it, you know….

 

We do kind of seem to be each other’s types, don’t we? I like your style, saving people comes first, no matter what. I know I’ve had problems with people before because their priorities weren’t straight.

 

I’m glad you’re getting around to watching the awesomeness that is Harrison Ford movies. Temple of Doom is freakin’ great but Raiders will always be my favorite. You know that scene where he was supposed to duel the guy with the crazy sword skills but Indy just pulls out his gun and shoots him instead? That wasn't in the script, it was supposed to be a 3 day shoot with an intense fight scene but it was so hot and everybody was so tired that he was like, why don't I just shoot the guy? And we got an amazing scene out of it! That is why Harrison Ford is a fucking legend. Whether he’s playing Indiana Jones or Han Solo the man is a total badass, although I might favor Han Solo if I had to choose one.

 

Sounds like you already have your Han Solo though, don’t you? Really, I’m glad I could help. You obviously care a lot about him and you guys have a pretty crazy history… you don’t just leave that behind. You don't just stop caring about someone cause they made mistakes. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. Do you still talk to him? Maybe you should… I don't know, maybe clear the air a bit. I’m sure you’ll feel better about your situation if you did.

 

But if you ever do come around Kansas, yeah I got a few spots I can show you. Not giving away any secrets now though, you’d just have to wait and see haha. I’ll teach you how to cook burgers and hey, maybe I’ll actually learn how to bake pie. I think it’s about time I figure that out for myself, right?

 

I’m a pretty good shot, and there’s a gun range I go to a lot… I can take you there and we can work on that. As for hand to hand, it sounds like you got a bit cocky there. I think I could hold my own pretty well, question is, can you handle yourself against me? This could be a fun challenge, I think. Am I flirting with you now? I don't know maybe, I’ve been drinking a little. You a drinker, Steve? Bet you’d be fun to hang out with at a bar. You any good at pool or darts? or a fan of Karaoke? Just wondering….

 

Your brother sounds like a dick. I mean, hilarious yeah, but glitter? That stuff is the herpes of the craft world! He knew what he was doing though, you gotta keep your sense of humor, no matter how bad things get. I know my brother tends to get too serious sometimes. He’s always been that way, ever since he was a kid. So I used to start prank wars to lighten things up a little. It’s always been small stuff like itching powder in the underwear, krazy glue on each others stuff, whoopie cushions, you know… harmless gags. Not sure if he’ll ever forgive me for putting nair in his shampoo back when he was a kid though. I think he’s still growing his hair out in retaliation haha!

 

I’m glad he put me up to this too, though. He can be a bit of a know-it-all, but yeah, he usually knows what the hell he’s doing. Not that it’s going to save him from the epic pranks I have planned for him. I’ll let you know how they go!

 

-Dean

 

 


	18. Thursday, Aug. 20th

**Thursday, Aug. 20th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I killed someone today. Usually this is not something I have much of a problem with, but this particular death was just unnecessary. I told him to surrender and come with me peacefully. He wouldn’t have had a chance against me and should have just given up. Unfortunately, he attacked me instead and I had to defend myself. I was stabbed in the leg and the walk back was rather unpleasant. Usually I have someone with me to patch me up but this time I was alone. At least now that I have some forced downtime I can finally start reading Slaughterhouse 5, which I picked up from a local library recently.

 

I apologize for the morbid nature of the beginning of this letter… I just had to get that off my chest. Let’s try again. Hello Dean, I actually re-read your last message a few times to cheer me up. It’s strange, but I can’t seem to stop smiling whenever I read it. Amazing what power a few words can hold. I’m warning you though – now that we have established that we might just be each other’s types and that you don’t mind the flirting – there is a possibility that it could happen again. I apologize in advance for the awkwardness that this might entail - especially with my lack of experience.

 

That being said, I loved Temple of Doom! I especially liked the joke with the “Eyeball soup.” That was very disgusting but at the same time also very funny. Strange that these two things don’t contradict each other. I didn’t know that about the scene from Raiders. It’s a great story and the duel scene was… awesome.

 

It’s just that I don’t really have him – my Han Solo. I mean, not really. I’ve got him as a friend, yes. But that’s it. And we’re not talking to each other at the moment. Your words have helped me more than you’d think and I was considering calling my friend but  – I don’t know… I know, I would feel better if we could “clear the air” but at the same time I’m afraid we would just start fighting or he would just refuse to talk to me. And I know that I can’t handle that at the moment. Maybe I will at some point. I just need to build up some courage.

 

But back to your message. I don’t want to brag but my hand-eye coordination, and therefore my aim, is exceptionally good. I would love to show you some day. You’ve made me very curious about your secret spots and… I mean the places in Kansas you talked about… and not… um. Not that I’m not curious about that, too… okay maybe I need a drink, too. So, to answer your question: Yes, I do drink on occasion, but my alcohol tolerance has sunken drastically over time. I think that would also answer whether I would be fun to hang out with in a bar. I guess that depends on if you like “happy-drunk” people. I never played pool before but you could show me, right? I’m pretty good with darts but that’s the advantage of being a soldier. The only time I’ve ever sang was when I had a crying baby on my arm. It fell asleep, so maybe my singing wasn't that bad. On the other hand babies can’t tell you to shut up so I’ll never know.

 

My older brother is… special. He’s actually the only one I kind of miss from my family. But the glitter wasn’t very nice of him. Maybe he had the right idea about lifting the spirits of my comrades but this stuff was nasty. You wouldn’t believe where I was still finding glitter on my body even three months later. It’s so sticky and just when you think you’ve finally gotten rid of it, someone points out that you have glitter on your face.

 

But still – there is something about him that I always envied. The flair of ease that always surrounded him and his sense of humor. I sometimes wished I could be a little bit more like him. My attempts at humor are mostly involuntary.

 

I’m looking forward to hearing about what you have planned for your brother.

  
  
\- Steve


	19. Thursday, Aug. 20th

**Thursday, Aug. 20th**

 

Steve,

 

Damn, I’m sorry that happened to you. Hope your leg heals up fine. At least you have a good book to keep you distracted, Slaughterhouse 5 is probably my favorite book. “So it goes” is a comforting thought that follows me through all the death’s I’ve had to witness, or worse - have been responsible for. Maybe it will help you too.

 

On the bright side, I got my brother good last night. I put one of those little Bouillon cubes in his shower head so when he went to go take a hot shower it came out as chicken flavored water. He’s still walking around smelling like chicken soup haha! He got me back by putting cream cheese in my deodorant this morning though, so that was pretty disgusting. That’s ok, I’ll get him back for that one. Your glitter story is giving me ideas… and yes, I know exactly how glitter can turn up in the most awkward places… I’ve been there, unfortunately.

 

I’m glad my messages are cheering you up a bit, it’s a tough life out there… talking with you is one of the only things keeping me sane at this point Thanks for the warning, by the way. Flirting is, sorry to say this, definitely not your thing, haha. We’ll work on that… and your alcohol tolerance, you gotta be able to keep up with me… if you think you can. I don’t think you know this about me, but I can be pretty competitive. I’ll show you how to play pool, which is something i’m very good at, and you can show off those darts and shooting skills. If you can impress me maybe I’ll give you a tour of those secret spots you’re so curious about. I’ll let you decide which ones you’re more interested in exploring ;)

 

Alright, alright… I might have gone a little overboard with the flirting there. Sorry, I may be a bit rusty and way over my head here. Regardless, I still think you got something good with Han Solo. If you’re going to sit around being too scared to talk to him you’re going to miss out on what could happen if you would just communicate honestly with him. Yeah, anything could happen, but you never know unless you give it a shot. Just call him, don’t bitch out. I’m holding you to that, I wanna hear some good news next time.

  
\- Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10523457>


	20. Friday, Aug. 21th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10541007>

**Friday, Aug. 21th**

Hello Dean,

 

Don’t worry about me. I’m fine and my leg doesn’t even hurt anymore.

 

I had a very nice time today – to quote from your favorite book: “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.” Since I am off duty for a few days, I was able to visit a nearby ocean to do some swimming. The water was very cold (although the weather is quite warm where I am) but I loved every minute of it. Best part was lying on top of a cliff after my swim, and drying off in the warm rays of the sun. I just closed my eyes and listened to the waves for hours. I can’t remember the last time I felt so at peace with myself.

 

The only thing that could have made this day better would have been to spend it in somebody's company. Do you like swimming?

 

I’ve been feeling bad that I know what you look like from your profile picture but I can’t send you a picture of my own. Today someone took a photo of me as I was jumping into the water and I asked him if he could email it to me and he did a few minutes ago! So I attached the photo to my mail. It’s not much, you only get to see me from behind, but I guess it’s better than nothing.

 

I learned another valuable lesson today. Never drink anything while reading something that could potentially be funny. I had to clean orange juice off of my laptop after reading about the prank you had set up for your brother. I can’t wait to hear what you have planned next. Next time I’ll make sure I’m not drinking anything while reading!

 

I don’t think it would be a bad idea to work on my alcohol tolerance. I tend to get very clingy when I’m drunk… or very grumpy – depending on my mood. Unless you wouldn’t mind me becoming a bit handsy with you when I’m drunk? (Was that better?) I’ll try to work on the flirting… I know, I’m bad. Usually I have this look that I give people, it tends to lead them to forgive me for my inabilities. But that won't work on you, as you can’t see me. I’m highly motivated to impress you now, Dean. I’m very confident that my aiming skills will blow you away.

 

Okay, so I have good and bad news about my friend. We spoke to each other and it was very nice and I enjoyed every second of hearing his voice. I’m very hopeful that we will get our friendship back on track. But that’s it… He told me that I’m his friend, his buddy… He’ll never see more in me. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I want to keep him in my life and if that means being his friend I’ll take that wholeheartedly.

 

\- Steve

 

 


	21. Friday, Aug. 21th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp for this chapter (From both Dean's POV which can be read before this chapter and Cas's POV which can be read after this chapter):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10544463>

**Friday, Aug. 21th**

 

Steve,

 

Damn, that’s gotta hurt. Sorry about that. I guess the guy just doesn't know what he’s missing. At least now you know where you stand, and hey… you never know what could happen in the future, right?

 

I actually took my own advice for once and decided to call my friend, the one I talked about - that I felt we were drifting apart - well, it wasn't a great talk but it wasn't terrible either. He’s still being stubborn and I’m getting tired of him always going off and putting himself in dangerous situations. He’s got his principles, and I admire that… but sometimes I wish he’d just give a damn about himself instead, you know?

 

Not a big fan of swimming, actually. I can't even remember ever going to the beach. Sad, huh? Maybe I’ll put that on my to do list. It sounds like you had a lot of fun there, it’s great that you got some time to relax and have a good time.

 

Awesomely timed pic too! You're looking pretty ummm... fit there. I mean, if you’re motivated to impress me... hey, you’re off to a good start. I’m starting to think maybe I’ll need to start working out if I want to have any chance at uh…. _combat_ of any kind with you. Did I just say that? What I mean is, well… I guess I’m getting kind of flabby in my old age… sitting around doing nothing but eating cheeseburgers isn't helping much, I guess. I attached a pic to my message so you can see what I’m working with haha. If you’re down with getting handsy with this then bring it on. By the way, I’m curious about what other skills you’ve got that could “blow me away.”

 

If you’re drinking any orange juice I suggest finishing that up now. Last night I took a few of the screws out of my brother’s bed frame. As soon as he sat on the bed it came crashing down. It was actually so loud it woke me up, ha! He got me back this morning by unscrewing the cap on the salt shaker… so that pretty much ruined what would have been the delicious eggs I made this morning.  I won though. He didn't even realize I put a ton of glitter into his shampoo until hours later. I got the angriest phone call from him. Classic.

 

-Dean

 

 

 

 


	22. Saturday, Aug. 22th

**Saturday, Aug. 22th**

 

Hello Dean,

 

It’s okay, I’m fine. How could I be unhappy when you send me messages like your last one?

 

I can assure you that you don’t look “flabby” to me. On the contrary – you look very attractive and fit. I noticed we have another thing in common. We both have tattoos. Mine is over my left hipbone (it’s work related). I can't make out what yours is but it definitely adds to your charm. It's actually hard for me to answer your message at the moment because your photo is very distracting. My eyes keep wandering to it and I really wouldn't mind getting handsy with you.

 

I should close the picture as long as I'm writing...

I'm glad to hear you've talked to your friend.  I'm very sorry to hear it didn't go the way you wanted. The way you describe him (putting himself in danger, not thinking about himself) reminds me a bit of you. Have you ever told him that you don't want him to get hurt or that you want him to stay?

 

And what about your other friend that you talked about – the one you may have thought of as perhaps more than just a friend? Is he still relevant in your life? I’m just asking because… I never asked if it’s okay that I flirt with you because I know there is someone else you could have feelings for and I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable. I just want to make sure, because I like what we’re doing here very much and I’m curious about where it’s going.

 

If my message starts to not make sense anymore I apologize. I'm working on my alcohol tolerance and your picture has found its way back to my desktop. It's a pity you weren't there with me at the ocean. And it is sad that you can't remember ever going to a beach. You should change that! Make a real vacation and go somewhere you've never been before. If you'd been there with me today I'm sure I could have shown you a few special skills... For example how long I can hold my breath under water.

 

No orange juice tonight but a glass of Jack Daniels. Thanks for the warning by the way, that was very considerate of you. Your pranks are very funny. How could your brother not noticing that he had glitter in his hair? Did you see him before he left your house? ( I assume you live together... I think I haven't asked that before...)

 

So what are your plans for the weekend? I still haven't decided what to do. Maybe I'll go and buy new clothes. There’s still blood on my trousers even after I washed them… :(

  
\- Steve


	23. Sunday, Aug. 23

**Sunday, Aug. 23**

 

Steeeeeeeeve,

 

Oh so you’ve been drinking? Well me too. I actually, well I had a pretty bad fight with my brother last night (yes, I do live with him by the way) and I’ve been feeling kind of like shit since then. I want to go back to work and he doesn’t think I’m ready. If it wasn’t clear already, I also work with him. So I’m halfway through my bottle of whiskey and I may have broken a few things in my living room before realizing that you wrote me back, which calmed me down a bit.

 

I know I’m not exactly coming off as very attractive right now. Hey I have anger problems and I drink too much. But I think you’ll be okay with it, for some reason. Don’t feel like you have to drink just to… I don’t know, fit in or impress me or anything. I like you anyway. So you’re kind of dorky, and not exactly all that smooth. That’s alright, you still got me all kinds of fucked up.

 

Do you even realize the shit you got me thinking about now? You and me at the beach, lying around in the sun, sandcastles and shit, fucking sex on the beach. Yeah, I said it… I… kinda wanna fuck you Steve. So I might not understand everything that goes along with, you know… dude sex, or whatever. But I’m down to figure it out. And I’m definitely interested in finding out how long you can hold your breath for. I think we can find a way for this skill to come in handy....

 

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Uhh…. yeah so I have a tattoo. It’s a, well it’s kind of a protection tattoo, my brother has one too… it’s a family thing. Speaking of my brother, the glitter thing was hilarious. I don’t know how he didn’t notice it but I did get chewed out for it later… it might be time to retire my prank king crown… it was fun while it lasted. But I really do want to get back to work so it's time to get serious.

 

And you're right, as usual. I'm just as guilty of going against what everybody's telling me to do and getting myself in real shitty situations just to do what I think is right. I get that, but that doesn't excuse what my friend is doing. See, I've already told him I want him to stop trying to help me, I've told him I want him to take care of himself. He doesn't give a damn. Never listens to me about shit like this, drives me crazy. And alright, I'm not the best at making him feel welcome sometimes, but I try. I don't think he actually wants to be around. Why would he?

 

I'm getting all mopey now. I don't like thinking about him, or how I feel about him. Oh, I guess I haven't been very clear about it, but this is the same friend I talked about before, that maybe made me feel... I dunno, I honestly don't even know. He's different. He makes me feel like I'm so fucking special, and I'm not. And maybe we do have some kind of "special connection" or something but I can't... I can't do anything about it. I'm not gonna ruin whatever friendship we do have just to see if what I feel is... I dunno, real.

 

I'm sorry, now I'm just sitting around feeling sorry for myself and that's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to you. What I'm trying to say is, what we're doing here, it's ok. I'm curious about where it's going too. I actually look forward to hearing about what you’re up to and uh… it’s kind of flattering how distracting you find my picture. I mean it wasn’t really anything sexy or anything, I can send you something better than that if you’re interested ;)

 

I’ve actually been kind of distracted by your picture myself. And by distracted I mean I’m at half mast here just thinking about what your body would feel like. I mean, ok this might sound kind of dirty and I’m sorry if I put you off by this, but I’m drunk and I’m thinking of you and I’ve got my hand on my cock and I'm kinda wishing it was you touching me. I’m sorry I’m probably going to really regret this when I sober up and I’m not even sure if I should send you this. I really need a shower and some sleep so I’m just going to go before I embarrass myself anymore.

 

-Dean

 

PS. Try toothpaste and cold water to get those blood stains out.

  
PPS. I’m gonna be thinking about you in the shower, I hope you don’t mind…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp for this chapter (can be read after the chapter):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10576326>


	24. Sunday, Aug. 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10579527>

**Sunday, Aug. 23**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I’m actually very intoxicated right now. Not because I want to try to impress you (don’t worry) just because I really needed a drink. It’s frustrating to feel sexual aroused when the object of your desire (you) is so far away. I guess I’ll have to rely on my imagination then. Maybe you’ll feel less embarrassed (and please don’t!) when I tell you that I did the exact same thing when I received your picture in your last message. You wouldn’t believe how hard I got just reading your words. I also wished it had been your hand on me...

 

This has never happened to me before and I’m a little surprised at myself but there’s something about you… I don’t know. We just seem to… Maybe it’s because I can relate so much to you, because we have so much in common.

 

Seeing your picture… your skin… I just wanted to touch you, kiss every inch of your perfect chest. I wouldn’t mind if you sent me another picture although I thought your first one was very sexy, too. Sex on the beach sounds intriguing and it is definitely something I’ll be thinking about tonight. Just the thought…. I really want you to fuck me.

 

Please don’t regret anything you write to me. I want you to feel good about this. That’s what we’re here for, right? I want you to feel safe with me because I feel we understand each other. So if you’re feeling a bit curious about this then why not with me? I mean, I’m also not experienced with any of this but we could find out about it together…?

 

You were right about me being okay with you having some anger issues. We have a tough life and we need to cope with that somehow. I’m glad my messages could get you to calm down a bit and if I were nearby I’m certain we could find other ways to get this out of your system. I don’t know what’s keeping you from work but it sounds to me like it’s better for you if you get back into it. I know from experience how restless you can get when you’re not able to do what you’re supposed to do. I felt so useless when I was injured and I had to take a “normal” job. I think it would be good for you to get back to it – you know, maybe you would feel better.

 

I’m sorry to hear that you had a fight with your brother. I hope everything's okay now with him and I don’t even know what to say about your situation with your friend. It sounds a bit like my own situation. Although, unlike you, I’m very sure about my feelings for him, I just know that it’s impossible for me to ever get together with him as long as he’s not even interested in any relationship at all. But you know, if you get “mopey” about the situation with your friend maybe what you’re feeling is more real than you think. Did he ever show any signs of maybe feeling the same for you?

 

Thanks for the tip with the toothpaste. I will try this first thing tomorrow (if my possible hangover won’t kill me).

 

P.S. I don’t mind at all and I will think of you, too. The image of you and me at the beach will be a perfect starting point for some nice dreams I hope.

  
\- Steve


	25. Sunday, Aug. 23

**Sunday, Aug. 23**  

 

Steve,

 

I have to apologize again for being so drunk in my last message, I’m paying for it now, even after a good long nap I still have a killer hangover. I know you’re okay with the drinking, and even the anger problems but still, I don’t want to do anything that puts you off. Those are actually two of the things my brother and I fought about last night. I recently... I did some pretty bad stuff, and it’s because I let myself succumb to my own anger and my own addictions. I let myself stop caring about anything but myself and I hurt a lot of people because of it.

 

I’m starting to feel a bit better now but there’s a lot of things my brother isn’t ready to forgive me for and he isn't sure I’m ready to jump back into work yet. You’re right though, I need to get back in my groove and having a sense of purpose again is what’s going to help me. We actually talked about it today, I apologized (something that isn’t easy for me to do) and we agreed that we’re not going to be able to get over this by just avoiding each other. We’re still going to have our issues but we’re gonna work through them together.

 

Which means I’m gonna have to cut back on the drinking a bit, I’m not as young as I used to be and uh… my job requires me to be at least not completely out of shape. I know I’m gonna sound like a total hypocrite here, and I’m sorry for that, but maybe you should cut back on the drinking too. Not trying to tell you what to do...I’m not that guy, I’m just saying… you wanna talk, you can talk to me. But getting drunk to deal with your problems can only help for so long.

 

And I’m really glad we can talk to each other, I’m really comfortable with you in a way that actually reminds me of how comfortable I was with my friend. I never understood my feelings for him, I still don’t. He’s not exactly the best at working out the whole “feelings” thing either. Sure he’s shown some signs before that he thought of me differently than other people, as more important to him. But I don’t know if he actually, I don’t know, saw me in the same way that I maybe saw him. You know, it’s funny… people always used to joke around about us being a couple, of us caring about each other in that way. I always wondered if people just saw something that we didn’t.

 

But he’s not here and… ok well, neither are you. But we’ve got something going on. Something… I really like. And you’re right, I’ve really been so worried about clinging to some idea that I can’t like this... that I could never really have this. But I want to. It’s crazy, we’ve been talking for less than two weeks but I can’t stop thinking about you. Imagining what you look like, what you would feel like, what you would sound like if I kissed my way down your body, the noises you would make when I fuck you. I don’t even know what it’s like to… you know, be with a guy…. but I think I would like it. I want to know what it’s like to make you come.

 

Man, I never imagined this is what I would find on this website. Or anywhere, really. I still can’t believe you found me. I can’t believe you got me saying the things I’m saying… and doing the things I’m doing. Wanna know what I thought about in the shower? Me on my knees, taking your cock in my mouth and making you moan, knowing I was the one doing that to you. Knowing I was the one making you come, I came so hard just thinking about it. I can't believe I’m saying all this, you really are driving me crazy. I better go before I embarrass myself anymore. I’ll be thinking about you though.

-Dean


	26. Monday, Aug. 24

**Monday, Aug. 24**

 

Hello Dean,

 

your apology is unnecessary and I wish I could do something to make your hangover more tolerable. Preferably by distracting you from it. I was surprised and happy this morning for not paying the consequences for the whiskey I consumed. I guess I underestimated my body’s ability to degrade alcohol.

 

I can only remember three times in my whole life where I actually felt really inebriated and hungover the next day. The worst time was when my father had left our family. This was ages ago… but I got very drunk that night and it didn’t make me feel any better. Just worse. Especially the hangover. My friend gave me something for the headache but that miserable feeling stayed with me for a long time after I took the pills.

 

Anyway please don’t worry about me drinking alcohol. I don’t do this very often. Maybe I have drank more in the last few days but I felt very frustrated with my life. You’re right that this isn’t helping me. Your letters are helping me a lot more. Funnily, they have a similar effect on me as drinking alcohol. They make me feel dizzy, smile uncontrollably and basically very happy.

 

I just had an idea. Let’s make a promise. We both stop drinking for, let’s say two weeks and see how that goes? You in on that? You told me you’re competitive – let’s see who can do this.

 

I’m very glad to hear you talked with your brother and that you’re working on your issues together. I’m sure if you two “stick together” everything will be getting better for you very soon. I’m also very sure if you’re going back to work, that you’ll get a sense of “normality” back into your life. Sometimes it’s good to have that. You won’t be constantly reminded of all that you’ve done wrong if you have a job to do. Yes, I’m speaking from experience here… I’ll be glad when I can go back to it, too. Hanging around doing nothing but reading, watching movies and learning new things from the internet is fun for a while but I’m getting restless. I have plans and a mission to complete and I’m highly motivated to finish it very soon. I want to go back home.

 

And I want to meet you.

 

You can’t imagine how your letters have helped me these past few days since we’ve been writing to each other. I feel more hopeful that I can solve a few problems of mine and I’m so very grateful I found you – found someone I can connect to, that I can talk to.

 

That you feel comfortable with me is a sentiment I can only give back to you. Let me ask you something. I wonder what you meant by not understanding your feelings for your friend. If he would show any signs of romantic affection towards you would you try to be with him? Would you be comfortable enough to try it?

 

Like it is for you, this is all very new for me, too. It’s easier to talk about these things in a letter and with the security of being far away. I would have never imagined feeling so comfortable with someone talking about my desires, the things I want to do... This is all very new and very exciting.

 

You’re constantly on my mind. I re-read your messages like a thousand times and your picture is a constant temptation for my mind to go in certain directions. Again I’m so sorry that I can’t send you a better picture of me. I hope I’ll get another opportunity to get my hands on one. I don’t know how I could describe my looks any better to you in the mean time. I have blue eyes – the color of the ocean where the sun rays hit the water on the photo I had sent you is very similar to it, actually. I have a “five o'clock shadow” that grows into a full grown beard very quickly if I don’t control it... I just realized how difficult it is to describe myself. Maybe finding another picture source would be easier. I’ll keep my eyes open for another opportunity.

 

In all honesty, I don’t think I’ve ever had so much difficulty writing a letter before. I constantly distract myself by re-reading the last two paragraphs of your message... and the things your words are doing to me… I want to feel your hands and lips on my body. I want to feel you inside of me... so badly at the moment. I want you to come inside of me… I want to try all these things you wrote with you and I want to do the same things to you. I think I have to stop myself here because this is… you’re driving me crazy with want and I have to touch myself again. I have to do this a lot lately and it’s all because of you.

 

I wonder – when we would see each other for the first time… what would be the first thing you would want to do with me?

 

P.S. I will pretend it’s your mouth on me when I touch myself now. I hope that is okay.

  
  
\- Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp available for this chapter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10599819>


	27. Thursday, Aug. 27

**Thursday, Aug. 27**

Steve,

Hey! Finally got some time to myself to write you back. Sorry about the last couple of days, I’ve been spending some quality time with my brother… you know, reconnecting all that crap. There were a couple of bumps in the road, there’s bound to be with some of the shit we went through, but it wasn’t too bad. We’ve actually had more fun the last couple of days than we’ve had for years. Not working… doing normal stuff, like regular people do… it’s been pretty great. I do still miss working, but I have a feeling I’ll be back to it pretty soon.

And I definitely missed you the whole time…. did you miss me? Did you think about me at night, when you were in bed? Did you touch yourself while thinking about me? Sorry, I’m coming off as super pervy aren’t I? Old me would have thought these lines were solid and now I’m looking at them like wow, is this the best you can do?

Okay so, two things. One - The drinking thing. I’m sorry, I chuckled a bit when I ready your bet. Yeah, I’ve already fucked that up. A lot. And I’ll probably continue to do so. I don’t mean to laugh at you or anything, just… look I’ll cut down, I planned to. But I’m not quitting anytime soon. Sorry. But hey, I totally support you doing it. I’m here for you if you need any help, though I’m not sure how helpful I could be…

Two - When I say I don't really understand how I feel about my friend… to be honest I think the idea that I care about him as more than a friend, that I might see him as more than family… that terrifies me. And if I have to make a choice I would say that no, I don’t think I would act on any romantic feelings, even if he reciprocated them. I know, it sounds stupid but… I don't get to have good things in my life. And I’m not going to drag him through hell with me if I can help it. I just… I want him by my side, I know that. But I don't know if it’s worth it to risk the already strenuous relationship we do have, just to see if it’ll work out, you know?

But you know what? It doesn't even really matter, cause I have you. I mean… well, we have this. And that’s what’s important. I didn't think I could ever open up to a guy like this, actually I never thought I would be able to open up to another person like this again.

It’s funny, at first I was comforted by the idea that this couldn’t go anywhere, that I would never actually meet you and I didn’t have to worry about this going too far. But now, the idea of meeting you is actually exciting to me. Like, if you really wanted to meet up… I think I would be okay with that.

Do you want to know what’s the first thing I would want to do to you? Kiss you. Alright, alright, it sounds lame. But I really just, I want to know what it’s like to kiss you. I want to know what your lips would feel like, what you would taste like, what it would be like to run my hands through your hair and just grab you and bring you closer to me and feel your body against mine. God, I sound like some kind of lonely housewife. It’s just been a while and hey, I love making out. Fucking love it. And I’m good at it... that’s not even me being cocky, just being honest.

I want to do a hell of a lot more with you too. You’re not the only one having a _hard_ time getting through these letters, if you know what I mean. Damn, I read the ending to your last message like a dozen times before I could even reply. It’s okay that you can’t show me what you look like, I got my imagination.. and I bet you’re hot as fuck. You sound like you would be hot as fuck. I’m gonna be thinking about what you wrote, and about the things you want to do with me.

-Dean

PS. I am definitely okay with you thinking about my mouth when you touch yourself. The attached pic should help!

 **  
** PPS. I also promised you a dirtier picture last time, so I included that too. It’s what happens to me when I think about you  ;)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp for this chapter (Can be read after chapter): <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10653146>


	28. Sunday, Aug. 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter (can be read before letter): <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10705757>

**Sunday, Aug. 30**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I apologize for the late reply. I’ve been back to work and that, unfortunately, has brought me into an area with no internet coverage. I just got your message and I am very glad that I read it when no one was around. Your words never fail to trigger an immediate reaction in my body.

 

I missed you very much and I’m happy to hear from you again. To be honest I thought I had gone too far in my last message and that I did make you uncomfortable. I’m glad that this wasn’t the case and I’m even more glad you had such a nice time with your brother.

 

I think I’m wearing a very goofy smile right now reading that you missed me. To answer your question – I think of you all the time. When I go to sleep you’re the last thing on my mind and when I wake up the first thing I do is wonder what you’re doing at the moment. My colleague is back and has already asked me twice if I was feeling okay, because I failed to listen to her plans (my mind was otherwise occupied). She also noticed I’m happier than usual. All thanks to you.

 

I just asked about your friend to see where you stood with him because I don't want to make your life more complicated than it obviously already is. I understand that you’re trying to protect him from your lifestyle, especially if he is just a civilian and can't handle dangerous situations.

Although… I do recall you telling me that he was always off getting himself in dangerous situations… Seems like he’s already got that covered anyway. I don't know, it’s none of my business, but it sounds to me like you have a whole different standard for your friend than for the rest of the world. He’s obviously very important to you… and he is your friend – so he’s already part of your life and knows what it consists of. If that hasn't deterred him from being your friend then I guess it’s safe to say he would be okay with staying by your side no matter what happens. And why wouldn’t it work? If you already feel comfortable with me then it’s possible that you could feel similarly with him… To be honest, if our roles were reversed and I had a chance to be with my friend I would try it… Life is short you know, Carpe Diem.

 

I shouldn’t talk about him – I don’t know your situation and I certainly don’t want to lose what we have… it’s just… I really like you… a lot… And that’s why I want you to be happy. With whoever that might be. And yes a huge part of me hopes it will be me…

 

I sincerely hope I didn’t mess this message up, because I really want to meet you and I’m glad you’d be okay with that idea. It doesn’t sound lame that you want to kiss me by the way. On the contrary, I think my heart stopped when I read that… Speaking of heart stopping events… Your pictures!!! If you want to give me an early death you’re doing a great job so far. I don’t know how long I stared at your picture, counting your freckles and imagining stroking my thumb over your gorgeous lips before kissing you. Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes in the world… I’m aware that this sounds corny and lame but I don’t know how else to say it.

 

I recently developed a favorite fantasy about us, I think about it before I go to sleep. Remember that we wanted to try out our hand to hand combat skills? I think about us at the beach doing just that, running into the water as I chase you, trying to get you to the ground. I grab you, holding you close with one arm around your chest, your arms secured behind your back with my other hand. I kiss your neck and you use my distraction to turn around, pushing me to the ground, using your body to pin me down. The waves wash around us as you slide between my legs and I can feel your erection against mine.

 

Great… my colleague will be back soon and I have gotten myself into an inappropriate state. I want nothing more than to feel you inside of me at the moment and… you make me crazy… I think I’ll have to take a shower now. Again…

 

P.S. I can’t really express how grateful I am for your picture.

P.P.S. Funny, the same thing happens to me when I think of you or look at your pictures.

 

\- Steve


	29. Monday, Aug. 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp for this chapter (Can be read between chapter 28 and 29):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10725383>

**Monday, Aug. 31**

**  
**  


Steve,

Hey, so it looks like we’ve both been busy then! I was finally able to get my brother back on board to work a job. It was supposed to be quick and easy but nothing ever is in our line of work, is it? I was kind of hoping for… I don’t know something different. It was great to jump back into the saddle, don't get me wrong, it’s just that some stuff went down that, well it kinda got to me.

It’s so hard to convince yourself that you're doing the right thing when right and wrong intersect so much, you know? And I can see other people making these tough choices, proving me completely wrong, and I’m just here… I just want to do the right thing for once. I’m so tired… I’m so tired of fucking up.

It wasn't all bad though. My brother and I were able to get a lot of crap off our chests, a lot of stuff we’ve been ignoring lately. It sucks, but it had to be done. We’re still not sure how ready I am, how ready either of us are, to continue working… but we know it’s what we have to do. And I’m hoping we’ll be able to keep working steadily from now on.

Another good thing - If you’re working that means you're getting closer to finishing up what you're doing, right? Does that mean we’ll be able to meet sometime soon? I’m actually really excited about that. Nervous, but excited. Sorry I’m distracting you from work but also… not sorry? I love hearing that you’re thinking about me all day, I think about you all the damn time.

I’m…. I’ll admit I’m a little worried. I don’t know, maybe you won’t be so into me once you meet me. I’m also worried that… Well, I don't want to imply anything but… It kind of sounds like you want me to be with my friend and I’m not sure if that’s you being supportive or maybe telling me that I would be better off with him instead? Anyway, you have some good points, okay maybe I do have different standards for him than other people. If you understood the things we’ve been through. I don’t know. If you understood some of the stuff involved… it’s just complicated, okay? And I’m sorry, I’m the second choice… I get that. But, man I really like you. I really do. I don’t want to ruin what we have either. I’m sorry, I’m getting really melodramatic here. I’ll reel it back in….

I love it when you get corny and lame. I’ll admit to something really corny and lame right now, I’ve been thinking about what our first date would be like. You’re really selling me on this beach idea and I want to make this fantasy come true. I can already picture your body on mine as we wrestle in the water... and as I pin you down in the sand I would tease you, rocking against you and driving you crazy until you’re begging me to let you take you somewhere so we can shower off together. I can already picture the water flowing over your body, my hands and lips exploring every part of you and looking for all the spots that drive you wild.

I know we haven't really been writing to each other for that long, but I feel like there’s something real between us and I’m glad you feel the same. I’ll be thinking about you.

 **  
** -Dean

 

 


	30. Thursday, Sept. 3

**Thursday, Sept. 3**

 

Hello Dean,

 

A lot has happened since your last mail and I’m sorry for my late reply. I actually feel horrible right now and I don’t even know how to start this letter…

 

I don't know how to tell you this... I'm in a confusing situation right now and I feel very conflicted about my feelings. My friend and I spoke again... He wants me to come back and live with him... He gave me hope that there could be a chance for us and it seems that he likes me more than I thought he did, but he still isn't comfortable doing anything about it. I think mostly because of our jobs... I don't know what to do... To say I like what we have now is an understatement... But I'm.. I don't know. I certainly never wanted to hurt you because over the last two weeks you’ve become beyond important to me. I don't want to lose that. Looking back on it now, you’re probably right. Maybe I was trying to tell you that you'd be better off with your friend. You deserve better than being someone's second choice. You should be the first, with all the heartache that entails.

 

Part of me wishes this would have never happened... It was never my intention to lead you on. I hope you understand that my feelings for you are genuine and it breaks my heart to ask you if we could just be friends again. I would understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. But I hope you'll forgive me and you keep being in my life... I'm so afraid to lose you... Regardless of my situation you make me feel happy and… normal and... I just... didn’t expect this to happen... I can't tell you how sorry I am... I don't even know if I'm making the right choice... I'm so confused right now...

 

I'd have never believed my friend could feel the same about me. When I learned this I was shocked and didn't know what to think at first. Like with your friend we've been through Hell with each other and a lot of things have happened... and it's complicated... Am I doing the right thing here? I just don't know anymore. I’m so sorry. I’m sure you don’t appreciate  me talking about him…

 

I totally ruined this now, didn't I? I’m so sorry. I have no idea what to do now… I guess, I won’t manage the alcohol free week I had planned either. A massive hangover would work nicely with how I feel at the moment anyway.

 

P.S. Please forgive me.

 

\- Steve

 

 


	31. Thursday Sept. 3

**Thursday Sept. 3**

 

Steve,

 

Wow… uh, I don’t even know what to say. Your message kind of threw me for a loop there… I mean, I felt like we were going somewhere and I’ll admit, it kind of hurts. But, it’s ok. I think you’re doing the right thing. I was the one that encouraged you to try things out with your friend, wasn’t I? If you think you have a chance with him then I completely support you on this.

 

Look, I care about you. I really do. And if that means we have to just be friends so that you can get something in your life that makes you really happy then I’m 100% behind it. So yeah, I’ll be nursing some wounds over here, nothing a little alcohol can’t fix, right? But seriously, we’re good so don’t beat yourself up over it. I only hope that things work out for you and him. And hey, don't feel like you can't talk to me about stuff like this. I mean, what are friends for, right?

 

-Dean

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter (Can be read after the chapter):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10789442>


	32. Saturday, Sept. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp available for this chapter. Can be read before the letter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10815983>

**Saturday, Sept. 5**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I feel horrible for putting you through this. It was never my intention to hurt you... and yet I did... I don't know why I always end up messing things up even with the best intentions.

 

Although it hurts my heart to read your message… at the same time I’m glad you still want to be my friend. More than glad…

 

I had a horrible hangover yesterday. Suffice to say that my associate wasn’t very pleased with me. I hope you won’t get into the same trouble with your work or your brother.

 

I'm glad you wrote that you'll support my decision because I will need a good friend – especially in the next few weeks. I never thought this could maybe get real and I know he'll make me happy but he's still unsure about a lot of things, mostly I think he's afraid of messing this up and ruining our friendship... As if that could ever happen... If you love someone you wouldn't let them go and you would do anything to keep them, right? I'm still not sure how to tell him that…

 

Dean, I know it's not my place and maybe it's too early to say this but I really think you should rethink your position about your friend. He's obviously very special to you and... I just really want you to he happy.

 

Tell me about your day? Mine was boring and long. Did you know that sometimes time goes really slowly when you're bored? If I didn't know better I could have sworn it went backwards at some point.

 

P.S. I hope you feel better. If there is anything I can do... let me know.

 

\- Steve

 

 


	33. Monday Sept. 7

**Monday Sept. 7**

 

Steve,

 

Sorry about your hangover. My brother was kind of pissed at me but mostly he was just worried, which is worse in my opinion. Luckily, I slept for most of the next day so it wasn’t too bad.

 

Really, don't feel too terrible about it. If it makes you feel better… My friend and I have been talking on the phone almost every day since my last message. I don’t know if I told you that he hasn't really been around lately but I’m hoping I’ll be able to see him soon. I’m not saying anything is coming out of this, just… you know… we’re talking more. So that’s something.  

 

And of course I support you. Have since the beginning. How are things going with him? I hope everything works out for you guys. I know the wait sucks but that’s part of life. I’ve spent plenty of time holed up into tiny motel rooms just waiting for something to happen. My brother and I are actually back on the road for a bit so it’s ugly motel room walls and uncomfortable beds for me again. And of course the waiting. You learn how to entertain yourself. Lately I’ve been back to fixing up my car, making sure she’s in top shape for the long drives.

 

\- Dean

 

 


	34. Monday, Sept. 7

**Monday, Sept. 7**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I’m glad to hear that you and your friend are talking so often. I know you said nothing is likely to happen when you do see him but… do you want something to happen? Maybe… you know… he’s the one that can make you happy? Like with me and my friend.

 

My weekend was great, by the way. Work has brought me to a new place, which is always exciting, but the best part is that my friend and I getting along so well at the moment. I think he is becoming more comfortable with me every day and I’m very happy about that. I would count the days until I can return and finally be with him if I knew when my work here would be done. On the other hand… maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not around at the moment. He obviously still needs time to open up to the idea of “us” and I don’t want to pressure him in any way.

 

Anyway, I think I need a new hobby. Everything I had been trying I had to put on hold because it involved things that were hard to come by. Like with cooking and the missing kitchen. Maybe I should learn a few things about cars. That could be a useful and interesting skill to have. You should send me a picture of your car at some point, I would really like to see her in top shape :D

 

I don’t know when I will be able to send my next message because I will be on the road for the next few days. I hope you have a great week and… maybe think about you and your friend, you know –  where you want to go with this… He would be very stupid to say no to someone as sexy as you. ;-)

  
\- Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter (Can be read after chapters 33 and 34, but before chapter 35. It’s in Dean's POV): <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10860584>


	35. Thursday Sept. 10

**Thursday Sept. 10**

Steve,

Sorry it’s been so long. I swear I haven’t been ignoring you. There’s just been a lot going on lately. Something happened and it kind of made me reevaluate a few things in my life.

So my brother and I are back to work. Officially this time. We’ve decided it’s what’s best for us, and we’ll figure out the rest from there.

I’ve also… well my friend and I, you know how we’ve been talking more lately… we actually kind of told each other how we feel, I actually told him how I feel… and we … might be dating. I mean, it’s no big deal, he’s still not around, we’re just keeping to ourselves… seeing how it goes.  

Understand this is hard for me. I’ve never been good with this… feelings, hope… confronting my sexuality. It’s frustrating, I’m out of my depth here. But I’m starting to realize…I don't care what people think. Everybody’s going to have their own version of how they see things and it doesn't really matter to me. What matters is just… I don’t know, living my life I guess. Or at least trying.

So anyway. Hobbies, yeah good idea. Hey, learning about cars is always useful, a man should know how to fix up his own car, right? Sorry, that’s my old man talking. My dad’s the one who taught me how to fix up cars, fish, hunt, handle a gun… be a man. All that. But uh… if you want to learn you should because you want to, you know? Oh and I sent a pic of my car, tell me she’s not freakin’ gorgeous!

Write back soon, I want to know how your love life is going. Anything new?

-Dean

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10908407>


	36. Friday Sept. 11

**Friday Sept. 11**

 

Hello Dean,

 

It's okay, really. You told me you were going back to work so I already expected it would take some time for you to answer. I have the same problem, especially when I'm on the road to another place. Having no internet connection is annoying...

 

I’m so happy to hear that you and your friend made so much progress! I can understand that this must be difficult for you, adapting to this new situation, but you already made the first step - which is, in my humble opinion, the hardest one. Hey, and nobody ever fell in love without being a little brave, right? At least that’s what I'm trying to tell myself to keep me grounded when my self doubt about my own situation is starting to drag me down.  I'm always afraid to mess things up but... I will try my hardest to keep this. I like what you said about not caring what other people say or think. I know that society has this idea of how a man should be but I think this it’s very outdated and based on a lot of prejudices. You should live your life the way it makes you happy and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

 

My love life... I'm so happy at the moment that I'm smiling all the time and I can't seem to stop. My cheeks are actually starting to hurt. My friend and I are talking a lot and it's just... I don't know. It's getting better and better. It's an indescribable feeling. I hope I get some news about your new dating status soon, too! See? I told you, you're too sexy to say no to.

  
  


P.S Your car is freakin' gorgeous! :D

 

\- Steve

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: There’s a timestamp available for this chapter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10927019>


	37. Saturday Sept. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for Saturday, had to post it a day late but we'll also be posting another one today for Sunday =)
> 
> There is a timestamp for this chapter (Can be read before chapter):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10966307>

**Saturday Sept. 12**

 

Steve,

 

I’m so glad things seem to be working out so well for you. I’m actually going through the exact same thing. I’m… really happy. Who knew both of us could end up getting what we really wanted. I mean, not that I wasn't interested in you… I really was. But you really pushed me to figure out my feelings.

 

I want to thank you. Really, I don't know if I could have done it without you and now that I have him, I don't know how I can go without him again. And it was all because you got me to open up and you pushed me to go after him and I can't thank you enough for that.

 

Not that it's been easy. There’s still a lot up in the air and we both have our doubts and our fears. I was actually hoping for some advice, if you don't mind?

 

I haven't told my brother about this, or about my sexuality at all. And I kind of don’t want to. Things are rocky between us and I don't know if he’ll accept this about me or be weird about it and I don't want to ruin any progress we’ve made. But, my uh… boyfriend? (That’s still such a weird word to use), he says it’s okay and that I can take my time but… I can see that it’s really affecting him. I don't know what to do here. He has to know eventually, I know that. I just don't know how I’m going to do it.

 

Another, more embarrassing question: What am I supposed to do when it actually comes to… sex? I mean, I know what I’m doing... It’s not my first time at the rodeo… It’s just my first time with a cowboy (sorry I make stupid analogies when I’m nervous) and I don't know what I’m supposed to do. What if I can’t? What if, no matter how much I care about him… when it comes to hopping on the horse (I’m sorry I can't stop) I can’t do it. I don’t like the feeling of not knowing what I’m doing… it's kind of freaking me out.

 

Anyway, sorry I’m sure you’re going through your own stuff right now and I hope everything is still working out ok. Thanks a lot for everything.

 

-Dean

 

 


	38. Sunday Sept. 13

**Sunday Sept. 13**

 

Hello Dean,

 

You can’t imagine how delighted I am to hear that you're happy. I'll gladly try to help you with any advice, although I'm not sure how much I can be of help with my inexperience.

 

I understand that you're having trouble telling your brother about your new relationship and I can imagine where your insecurities come from. You said so yourself that you have fears and doubts, you don't feel entirely comfortable in your relationship yet and of course you worry  whether everything will turn out the way you hope it will.

 

I think many of these concerns don’t even result from the fact that you’re with another man, but that you have a relationship with someone at all... a relationship with someone who is very important to you. I guess you'll just need time to get used to it in order to get rid of these fears and it’s important that your friend understands this.

 

I understand that you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I'm sure that your friend doesn’t want to pressure you into a situation where you don’t feel comfortable. As for your brother ... has he ever mentioned that he might have a problem with that... if you were with a man? Are you sure it’s not your own insecurity that keeps you from telling your brother? If you tell him, it becomes reality, right? Then you can no longer deny it to yourself – that there’s something good in your life that you want to have and that you want to keep. I apologize if I’m overstepping my boundaries here… I just hope this helps.

 

I’m pretty sure I can help you with your other problem though. Okay, just a simple question: When you think about being with him, do you get hard? Are you getting turned on? If so, then you have nothing to worry about. I don’t know how experienced your friend is with this but if it’s new to him as well you will have a nice time learning all this stuff together. You don’t have to prove anything, you know… just show him that you like him and everything will work out fine.

 

And please don’t be sorry for asking me things like that. I care about you a lot and it’s important for me that you can talk to me about anything. I just hope I could help you with this. That’s all I really want.

 

I actually could use your advice, too… I mean. I’m really happy with everything that has happened… but I feel like the distance between my friend and me is driving me crazy. I still don’t know when my work will be done and it’s so frustrating… I’m not used to this. In the past I was always alone and I was fine with that. But now it feels like I’m missing a part of myself as if I can’t breathe without him being close… It’s like I need him to feel like… me again… Does that make sense? The worst part is that when I can’t talk to him I get all these negative thoughts about not being good enough for him, or that I will just mess everything up… I don’t even know what I’m asking here. Sorry. It’s just hard sometimes and maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest.    

 

Hope to hear from you soon.

 

\- Steve

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a timestamp available for this chapter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10966466>


	39. Monday Sept. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter and it should be read before the chapter:  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10983341>

**Monday Sept. 14**

Steve,

Thanks for the advice. It’s funny how you seem to know me so well after such a short time. And you’re right. I don’t know much about relationships, so it’s not easy for me to be in one. I know certain things are important: communication, honesty, trust. Without those, there’s no relationship. I, at least, know that. I know that opening yourself up to a person like that also means opening yourself up to pain. It means you’re giving that person the power to stomp all over your heart with just a few words. That’s what I know about relationships.

I know that I was ready to tell my brother everything. I was ready to be something more than just some good little soldier, closed off from the world and marching on, not letting anything or anybody really in. I was ready to be happy with myself. With him. And with your help, I realized it was what I really wanted.

That’s right, your help. Without you, I would have never gone for it. But lucky for me, you just came along out of nowhere to set me up with someone who easily could have just come and talked to me.

And I want to thank you for that, so here’s some advice for your little problem: If the distance is too much for you then maybe it would be easier if you had nothing to come home to. So just…. don’t bother coming home. Got it?

Don’t make me have to stock up on kryptonite.

\- Your ex-boyfriend

 


	40. Tuesday Sept. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp available. Should be read before letter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/10999214>

**Tuesday Sept. 15**

 

Dean,

 

Please, please hear me out. I know you probably never want to talk to me again and you would be completely justified ... but please let me at least explain.

 

I never wanted to hurt you. I know that it doesn't matter to you because... I did hurt you... again... and there are no words to express how much I want to undo this. I know this was a mistake. It was born out of desperation and good intentions... before my selfishness had to ruin everything.

 

I was desperate to be in your life again and I couldn't stand the fact that we had drifted apart and that I couldn't help you anymore. When Sam mentioned this website, he thought that it would be good for you meet normal people who you could talk to. It didn’t take me long to make a decision. I thought this was the chance to be there for you, to help you open up and to work through all the bad things that happened to you.

 

And then everything changed. I was always content to be just your friend but when we started to flirt... it just wasn't enough for me anymore. I got a glimpse of what we could be and I tried to fight for this, because I didn't want to lose this. You made me so happy...

 

I... Please don't.... please don't leave me, Dean. I know I don't deserve you... I shouldn't ask you this... I'm not a good person and I always mess things up but I just don't know how to live without you.

 

I don't know what to do. I just hope you'll read this... I understand if you won't forgive me a second time. I never understood why you forgave me the first time... Deep down I knew this would happen and before these last few days I thought I could survive this, never knowing what I would lose...

 

I just wanted you to know why I did this. I hope... no I don't...

 

My feelings for you won't ever change... no matter how long my life might be.

  
\- Cas


	41. Wednesday Sept. 16

**Wednesday Sept. 16**

 

Hello Dean,

 

I just have to try this way again… There’s something I want to tell you and I never had the chance in these last few days... I wanted to tell you that… I love you… although these words seem so insufficient for what I feel about you… but for the lack of something better… I just wanted you to know that.

 

I’m sorry but can you at least tell me if you have read my messages? Please, I beg you... just so I know… please. Before I go… would you give me peace?

 

\- Cas

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter. It's in Dean's POV and can be read after this letter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/11015567>


	42. Friday Sept. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter. Read before letter: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/11048735>

**Friday Sept. 18**

 

I’m not saying I’m forgiving you, but we have to talk.

 

All the things I have to say, I can't say them here. Hell, I don't even know if I can say them in person. But, we owe each other that, at least.

  
Meet me up at the bunker whenever you can. We’ll see where we go from there.


	43. Friday Sept. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a timestamp for this chapter (can be read after chapter):  
> <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/11061719>
> 
> We're almost at the end! The next chapter for this and for the timestamps will be epilogue. This chapter should have been posted up yesterday but we had some scheduling issues so, here it is =)

**Friday Sept. 18**

 

Dean,

 

I can’t thank you enough for letting me speak to you one more time. I’m on my way. I could be there in nine hours. Does that work for you?

  
\- Cas 


	44. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a timestamp available for this chapter. Can be read after the epilogue: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/4572474/chapters/11118071>

**Epilogue**

 

Sam left the motel room, mentally preparing himself for what he would find at the bunker. The car ride back to Kansas was about 4 and a half hours of Dean going from excitedly singing along to his greatest hits of mullet rock, to angrily singing along to his greatest hits of mullet rock, to sorrowfully singing along to his greatest hits of mullet rock. He refused to talk to Sam the whole way, too preoccupied by his own thoughts. Sam was okay with it, he knew Dean had a lot to figure out and he didn’t envy his brother’s predicament.

 

He didn’t know what he would do if he had to make that decision and he didn’t think it was fair to try to convince his brother one way or another. However, he _had_ seen a difference in Dean over the last few weeks that could only be explained by the intensity of the bond that he and Cas shared. Even though the mark still affected him, Dean seemed to have a greater control when it came to suppressing the violent urges that he had previously succumbed to so easily.

 

When they made it back to the bunker, Sam let Dean know that he would have the place to himself for the night. Regardless of how things went with Cas, he would want his privacy and Sam respected that. So he made his way over to the next town, spending the rest of the afternoon doing some recreational reading at a public library and then catching a movie that night, a French film he knew he wouldn’t have been able to watch with Dean around. He crashed at a motel for the night, hoping that his brother found a way to reconcile with Cas.

 

The next morning started with his stomach in knots, a nervous energy thrumming through him up until he found himself in front of the bunker the next afternoon. Cas’s car was parked outside so at least one of his greatest fears was assuaged. Although he could understand Dean’s need to protect himself from further emotional harm, he knew that if Dean kicked Cas out of his life, Sam would have to deal with the broken pieces that were left behind. Broken pieces that tended to lash out when hurt. He was fully prepared to come home to yet another destructive scene at the bunker, the disastrous culmination of a lot of anger and a lot of alcohol.

 

A sick thought crossed his mind that a rage fueled, Mark of Cain influenced Dean had hurt or even killed Cas. There was also the fear that Cas was trapped somewhere in a ring of flaming holy oil. He hoped this was not the case and he quickly stamped down the bile that rose in his throat when he pictured these scenarios.  

 

He entered the bunker cautiously, surveying the room for any signs that indicated Dean’s possible mood. Seeing everything more or less in one piece, he moved further into the bunker. Voices traveled from the kitchen out to the hallway and Sam quietly inched closer to become better informed about scene he would be walking into.

 

Dean and Cas were both in the kitchen, hovering over the stove. Dean was in his boxers and a loose white t-shirt and Cas was shirtless, wearing what seemed to be a pair of Dean’s sweatpants. Dean held a spoon up to Cas’s lips urging him to try a sauce that, judging from the sweet and tangy smell wafting from the kitchen, was the barbeque sauce he had spent several days perfecting to go with his homemade bacon cheeseburgers.

 

Sam’s stomach growled and he was about to announce his presence before stopping himself to allow Dean and Cas a moment of wanton affection.

 

After Dean had pulled the spoon away and Cas had enthusiastically voiced his opinion on the deliciousness of the sauce, Dean swooped in and licked away some of the sauce that had stayed behind on Cas’s lips. Sam marvelled at how relaxed they both looked in each other’s company as they both laughed at the gesture. But then Dean moved in to lick Cas’s lips again, which Cas took as an invitation to push Dean against the kitchen cabinets, sensually kissing him back, and Sam felt that this was becoming too voyeuristic when Cas’s hands disappeared into Dean’s shirt and Dean’s hands wandered down to cup Cas’s ass and before things could become more impassioned Sam made his presence known:

 

“Ahem,” he coughed awkwardly, and two pairs of eyes turned up to him in surprise.

 

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean answered rubbing the back of his neck with his hand and turning a slight tinge of pink.

 

“Hello, Sam,” Cas added with a sheepish smile, taking a step back to give Dean some space.

 

“So I see you guys uhh.. made up…” He stood around awkwardly, suddenly unsure of where to stand or what to do with his hands. “...That’s great, I’m happy for you both.”

 

Dean and Cas’s hands unconsciously found each other’s and Sam’s eyes immediately fell on them. “Thanks,” with a shy laugh Dean turned to look at the stove, “Oh hey, we made burgers, I was teaching Cas how to cook and uh… if you wanna wait at the table we can bring them out. “ Although he seemed to be self conscious about the display of affection Dean’s hand never left Cas’s and Sam quickly obliged, giving them a little more time alone together before they sat down for lunch.

 

He sat down at the table, relieved that everything seemed to have turned out so well. Dean and Cas could really be good for each other and he hoped that they found a way to make it work. They both deserved something good after everything they had been through. He also hoped he was right about the mark. It really did seem like Cas had a calming effect on Dean, and if they couldn't find a cure then they needed all the help they could get.

 

Dean and Cas could still be heard from the kitchen as they arranged the food on paper plates with occasional laughter and then occasional silence, which Sam tried not to form a mental picture of to fill in the gaps. He was really happy for both of them and them both being guys didn’t bother him. He did need time to adjust to actually seeing them be… _together together_ , though.

 

“Burgers!” Dean exclaimed happily as he and Cas walked out with three plates of burgers and chips on the side. “I’m gonna go uh.. throw on some pants.” Dean said looking down at himself sheepishly. He asked Cas to grab beers for all of them and then was gone for only a short while before he came back in a pair of jeans, still barefoot, and tossed an AC/DC shirt over to Cas, who caught it easily before putting it on.

 

They hungrily dug into their meal, occasionally bringing up what they had been up to since they had last seen each other. Cas’s mission rounding up the angels, their brief time off from hunting and their inability to find another case with no real supernatural activity out there.

 

“Actually,” Dean piped up, mouth full of burger, “I was thinking since everything’s been so quiet out there, maybe it’s time for a real vacation.”

 

Sam raised an eyebrow, obviously intrigued. “Oh?”

 

“Yeah, Cas and I were talking and we figured it was about time we had a real life beach trip. Sun, sand, those fruity drinks with the little umbrellas in ‘em, you know?”

 

“Not what I was expecting but… you know what? Yeah… yeah we _should_ go to the beach. We deserve a real vacation, right?” He gladly agreed with them, it was new, it was different… it was a great idea.

 

“So, Cas. Did you get a chance to check out the room we set up for you? I put up a shelf with a bunch of books you would probably find really interesting and I found this….” He trailed off when Dean and Cas shared a look and he suddenly took in their appearance, Dean’s hair fluffed upwards and Cas’s a wild mess that pointed in every direction, and the realization dawned on him.

 

“I have not had a chance to look at it yet,” Cas said with a smile tugging at his lips.

 

Dean barked a laugh when Sam stuttered out, “N-No I get it.. I uhh.. yeah I’ll just… I’m gonna get another round of beers I’ll be back,” as he excused himself he heard Dean exclaim loudly “Haven’t had a good reason to leave my room” and Sam shouted back from the kitchen “I get it, Dean. Thanks.”

 

When he came back, Cas was blushing furiously. “Well the room is there if you need it, Cas.” Sam said handing him a beer, and Cas politely thanked them both for going through the trouble of making a room just for him.

 

After lunch they showed Cas the room and then spent the rest of the night planning out  their trip, which they decided should be the following week. As the night wore on Cas became much more comfortable sharing affection with Dean in front of Sam. And Dean, being the smug douchebag that he was, just thought it was funny anytime Sam found himself awkwardly unsure of what to do with himself around them. He’d get used to it though. And it was worth it to see them happy. However, he thought to himself as he clutched a pillow tightly over his head that night, he was going to have to soundproof the hell out of Dean’s room if he ever expected to be able to sleep comfortably again.

 

…. :::: :::: ….

  


Sam heard a yell and he looked up from the page to see Cas chasing Dean into the water and pushing him into a large wave. He chuckled at them. They sure made an interesting couple. The beach trip was an even better idea than he thought it would be. Cas and Dean looked so carefree and happy, playfighting in the water. He was happy for them. And he was glad that their lives were finally a bit more peaceful.

 

He didn’t know how long that would last but that wasn’t something he wanted to think about while he was stretched out on the picnic blanket with a good book, drying off in the sun's rays after having jumped into the water once he had finished his lunch, while Dean and Cas snuggled up together on the sand. He tried to give them as much space as possible, for their sake and for his. Noise cancelling headphones had been a very good investment.

He took a sip of his drink and looked up from his book again noticing that Dean and Cas were out a bit further into the water. He glanced back down at his book but then looked up sharply when he realized that it was just Dean standing out there. He searched for Cas and almost got up when he didn’t see him. But then he squinted his eyes and made out Dean’s face, barely visible out on the water. He fumbled back to the page he was on, rereading the same paragraph twice without noticing. Those two were insatiable.

 

He kept his eyes glued to his book since then, only looking up when they had both walked up directly in front of him, dripping wet and shivering in the cold. He hadn't even realized it had gotten so late.

  
When they changed back into their clothes Cas and Dean walked off, and Sam finished packing up. He was really reconsidering his enthusiasm about being the third wheel. But then he looked up and saw them watching the sunset together and he couldn't help but pull out his phone and take a picture to capture the moment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **cas’s/anyrei's “thank you” note:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> We made it! Can't believe this is over now! I want to say a few things here so bear with me: This has been an amazing ride and I loved every second of writing this story. Pitching this idea to drunk_idjit was like the best idea ever and I feel grateful that she chose to be my perfect Dean, my patient beta, my source of wisdom & pop references (I just didn't get) and that she basically had my back on this the whole time and I couldn't have done this without her. We laughed, we cried and pushed the small time frame we actually could write together (we have a time difference of 6 hours!) to it's limits. (Sleep is overrated anyway ^_^)
> 
> I'm floored about the constant support we got from all of our readers in form of kudos and all your lovely comments. You guys rock! I want to specially thank LizLovesLit and MoniJune for supporting us from the start with comments to nearly every chapter!!! I hope I see a few of you at my/our next stories or on tumblr (anyrei on tumblr) until then: Have a big fluffy hug from your Cas. 
> 
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> 
> **Dean’s/Drunk_Idjit’s “thank you” note:**
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> 
> Yay, finished! Thank you everybody for the Kudo’s and awesome comments! I also want to say thanks to anyrei for wanting to do this with me, for motivating me to start and continue writing, and for pretty much being the perfect Cas. ^____^


End file.
